Songs
by cirobert
Summary: As a music addict I find myself being more and more inspired to write by the songs I hear. These are a few short stories I've gathered up. The song and artist it was inspired by is in the title so please read, listen and enjoy! :) *Lots of Destiel*
1. Chapter 1

**_1_** _Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen_

Castiel didn't know what prompted him to save the old guitar he saw on the side of the road at a yard sale but as soon as he did he knew it was something special. The strings were broken, easily replaced, the wood was scratched, easily repaired, but there was just something about the sad little instrument that screamed out for saving. He paid $3 for it and felt that he had gotten quite the bargain.

"You don't even play guitar Cas." Dean teased him as he lovingly worked to fill in the scratches in the wood.

"I can learn." Cas replied.

"What use does an angel have for a guitar?" Sam asked him but unlike Dean his comment didn't contain the teasing, he was genuinely curious.

"It just looked like it needed help." Cas shrugged. Dean and Sam exchanged a brother look and Dean rolled his eyes. Hell if the angel wanted a guitar then let him have a guitar.

Castiel had never fixed anything in his life, not with his own two hands. With Sam's suggestion on looking through YouTube for repair tutorials and instructional videos on how to play he would spend all his spare time learning. He fixed up the old broken acoustic and within a surprisingly short amount of time the boys were listening to him practice.

"He's a natural of course." Sam said one evening as the brothers shared a six pack watching Cas strum at his guitar.

"He's a freaking angel, of course he's a natural." Dean rolled his eyes. He was watching Cas closely. The angel had stripped off his trench and jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt to strum the guitar. His eyes were glued to the computer screen and he had a little scrunch in his nose while he listened to the instructions. As soon as the instructor finished with a tip he'd look down at the guitar, place his fingers along the strings and try it. Dean thought it was absolutely adorable.

"Oh god." Sam rolled his eyes and took a drink of his beer.

"What?" Dean asked looking over at his brother.

"You've got that look." Sam bitch faced him.

"What look?" Dean asked confused. Cas strummed the start of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in the background.

"The same look whenever you see someone attractive play an instrument. I swear dude you some have weird music fetish." Sam told him.

"Can it Sammy." Dean blushed but went back to watching Cas playing.

"Can't believe the stupid angel ditched us for music lessons again." Dean complained as him and Sam sat in a bar sharing nachos and beers.

"I can't believe he found someone willing to take him teach him in such short notice." Sam said.

"Its a freaking guitar, not some holy object. Why is he so obsessed?" Dean drank some more of his beer.

"Maybe he wants something to distract him. With all the shit we deal with a hobby would be nice." Sam suggested.

"Then why not take up a real hobby, like pool hustling or poker?"

"Why is this bothering you so much Dean? Are you actually jealous of a guitar?" Sam teased his brother.

"Again dude? Can you get off the 'Dean's in love with Cas' train for one night?" Dean shot him a glare.

"Nope, I'm shipping you two hard brother." Sam grinned when Dean glared at him harder.

Many beers later they returned to their room to find Cas on one of the beds with his sleeves rolled up and a look on concentration on his face. He was playing the guitar like an expert, each slide of his fingers and stroke of his hand careful and precise. But that wasn't what made Dean freeze in the doorway and had Sam running into his back. Cas was singing.

 _Baby I've been here before_

 _I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know_

 _I used to live alone before I knew you_

 _And I've seen your flag on the marble arch_

 _And love is not a victory march_

 _Its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah_

 _Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

Cas stopped singing and looked up at the boys shyly. There was a flush to his cheeks but his blue eyes were sparkling.

"Dude, you were right." Dean breathed out quietly.

"About what?" Sam asked looking over his shoulder.

"I'm in love with Cas."


	2. Chapter 2

_Angel by Theory Of A Deadman_

Cas never knew what to make of Dean Winchester. Not from the second he raised him from perdition. He was the bravest, loyalest, smartest man that he knew but he was also the stupidest.

Getting Dean to talk about himself was like banging your head against the wall. Except that eventually either your head or the wall would cave in. Dean wouldn't. The only time he ever spoke about himself, except to berate himself of course, was when he was drunk or when the end of the world was upon them. It drove Castiel absolutely nuts.

"Come on Dean, just please talk to me!" Cas demanded one evening as they sat in the bunker and Dean tried to drink himself into a coma. It had been a bad day, the demons and angels converging on them at once to cause problems.

"Whats to talk about Cas? I messed up and now we're paying for it. Should be pretty used to this by now." Dean said into his whisky bottle. Sam had begged off the pity train hours ago but Cas was determined that Dean would talk.

"You are the most stubborn human I have ever met!" Cas threw up his hands and in a rare show of emotion from the angel he growled and kicked a table. Dean's eyebrows raised but that was all.

"Looks like I'm not the one that needs to talk." Dean pointed out.

"Yes, I have a lot of things to say to you Dean but I won't, not until I know you'll listen. And if you won't talk then you won't listen. I gave up everything I was for you. I gave up everything I've ever known, for you Dean! And you've never once bothered to consider why that was?" Cas turned on Dean with anger flashing in his eyes. Dean studied him but didn't open his mouth. With a huff of frustration Cas flew off leaving him alone to drink.

"How can I ever tell him I love him when he won't even tell me when he'd hurting?" Castiel asked the empty sky as he sat in a field surrounded by stars. He had no one to talk to, no friends to turn to. So it was here that he released his questions to the universe and hoped for an answer. So far there had never been one. He secretly hoped that his brother Gabriel might be out there listening in secret but he knew it was silly to hope. His brother was gone, forever.

"You sure know how to screw things up Dean." Sam said as Dean strolled in to the bunker kitchen. He had a serious case of bedhead and no shirt on.

"Already told Cas that you all should be used to that by now." Dean growled and went to the fridge for some water. Couple of aspirin should clear his hang over right up he figured.

"That's not what I'm talking about." Sam told him. He was leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Sammy, its too early and I'm too hungover to deal with your chick flick moment right now." Dean said tossing back the pills and water.

"Well too fucking bad." Sam said. He stood up and closed in on his brother.

"I heard what Cas said last night Dean and you just let him fly off like that." he said backing Dean into the wall.

"Whoa Sammy, come on. What did he say? The same old spiel about rebelling against heaven for us?" Dean argued.

"Not us Dean, it was never for us. It was for you!" Sam said. Dean shook his head.

"No Sam, there's no way someone would do something that important for me. Its just not possible."

"Listen you fucking idiot, Castiel has sacrificed everything and everyone he knew to be here with you. He disobeyed his orders, he killed his siblings, he risked his own neck again and again and you still can't get that it was for you! Not me, not humanity, not any of the millions of excuses you've convinced yourself of. It…was…for…you!" Sam yelled into his brothers face.

"Sammy…" Dean's eyes were shining because for once he was actually hearing what Sam was saying. And he didn't know how to deal with it.

"Its fine if you don't feel the same way about him, but stop lying about his end of things. That angel loves you Dean wether you want him to or not. So decide what you want to do about it and just fucking do it." Sam backed up and then left the kitchen. Dean slid down the wall and put his head in his hands.

"Come on Cas buddy, this is kind of important." Dean paced floor of the bathroom in the bar him and Sam were currently drinking in. It was karaoke night and normally both brothers would have rather sell their souls to Crowley then be here but Dean had asked his brother for help.

"What?" Castiel's gravel voice asked from behind Dean and Dean spun around quickly.

"Hey Cas, how're you doing?" Dean asked suddenly tense and shoving his hands in his pockets.

"What is it Dean, you said it was important." Cas reminded him not willing to pay friendly right now.

"Uh right. Well Sam and I wanted to show you something but you got to trust me ok?" Dean asked the angel. Blue soul searching eyes bore into him.

"Alright." Cas nodded after a minute. Grinning Dean grabbed him by the arm and pulled him outside to a table in the front where Sam was waiting. Dean handed the angel off to his brother before disappearing.

"Hello Sam." Cas greeted the other Winchester.

"Hey Cas, glad you came." Sam smiled at him and handed him a beer.

"Dean said there was something important you wanted to show me?" Cas asked leaving the beer untouched in front of him.

"There is, and its getting on stage now." Sam grinned harder and motioned for Cas to look at the stage.

To Castiel's vast surprise Dean was settling onto the stool they had placed onstage for the karaoke and he had a guitar in his hands. Cas hadn't even known Dean knew how to play.

"What…" Cas began but Dean spoke into the mike and he trailed off.

"Hey everyone, my name's Dean and I'm just warning you now that I'm about to pass out from fear being up here." Dean said with a charming smile and the crowd laughed.

"I wanted to sing a song tonight but the didn't have it on the playlist. Thought I'd improvise if that's ok with everyone." he said bringing the guitar into his lap and the crowd began to clap.

"Alright then. This song goes out to a special angel in my life and I pray he knows I mean every word." Dean said before looking down and starting to play. The tune was unfailiar to the crowd but Dean played beautifully. And then he started to sing.

 _I'm in love with an angel, Heaven forbid_

 _Made me a believer, with touch of his skin_

 _I'd go to hell and back with you_

 _Stay lost in what we found_

 _World's apart we were the same_

 _Until we hit the ground_

 _Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm weak_

 _Maybe I'm blinded by what I see_

 _I'm in love with an angel who's afraid of the light_

 _His halo is broken but there's fight in his eyes_

The room fell silent as Dean finished his shortened version of the song he had chosen. His eyes were closed but when he opened them they immediately found Cas in the crowd. He was shocked, his mouth slightly open and a flush in his cheeks. Dean smiled shyly and suddenly the crowd erupted in applause. Dean blushed a deep red when he realized he was still on stage and every set of eyes was on him. He quickly exited and made his way to his table.

"Cas I…" he began but Castiel had no time for talk. Grabbing Dean by the neck he pulled him in for a deep soul searching kiss. Sam smiled but eventually coughed in embarrassment.

"I love you Dean." Cas said pulling back and laying his forehead against Dean's.

"I love you too Castiel."


	3. Chapter 3

_Warriors by Imagine Dragons_

 _As a child you would wait_

 _And watch from far away._

 _But you always knew that you'd be the one_

 _That work while they all play._

 _In youth you'd lay_

 _Awake at night and scheme_

 _Of all the things that you would change,_

 _But it was just a dream!_

 _Here we are, don't turn away now,_

 _We are the warriors that built this town._

 _Here we are, don't turn away now,_

 _We are the warriors that built this town_

 _From dust._

 _Will come_

 _When you'll have to rise_

 _Above the best and prove yourself,_

 _Your spirit never dies!_

 _Farewell, I've gone to take my throne above,_

 _But don't weep for me_

 _'Cause this will be_

 _The labor of my love_

Castiel was never a child, he was born a soldier and he would always be a soldier. He watched as humans played on earth, their lives, though short and ultimately pointless, were filled with play. The majority of them had no desire to be better, no desire to do more but chase the ever elusive happiness that Castiel had heard of. So he regarded them as beneath him and his brethren.

Castiel lived his thousands of years fighting evil, following his Father's orders to seek out and destroy the infestation that the demons had become. But he never really saw the point. If humans were so weak as to fall victim to the demon's lies then why fight to save them?

He was widely known as one of Heaven's greatest soldiers, a commander of his own garrison and undefeated in battle. While other angels became fascinated with the humans and their penchant for games, he stood by and waited for orders. He watched his brothers and sisters fall victim to human vices and watched as one by one they fell from Heaven. Castiel mourned their lose but never once wondered if it had been worth it to them.

Until he was given the order to rescue the Righteous Man from Hell.

Castiel knew the rescue could possibly kill him. And he accepted that as easily as he accepted every other command he had been given. He knew the risks but for the love of his Father he was proud to be the one to lead his soldiers into Hell and raise the man from perdition. He gathered his garrison and descended upon Hell with the holy host. Many demons opposed them, each dying in a single swipe of Castiel's angel blade. His brothers and sisters fought at his side valiantly, each believing in God's command. But the further they pushed into Hell the more fell to the demons. So many fell that soon it was only Castiel alone and battling the hordes.

He prayed to his Father for strength, for courage in the face of the ultimate death. But never once did he consider abandoning his mission and fleeing back to Heaven. Castiel did not know how to run.

It looked that he would fail though as the demons descended upon him. He sent his apologies to Heaven, begging his Father's forgiveness for his failure. But then something changed, the demons turned to flee and not from him. Turning his gaze behind him Castiel finally set eyes upon the Righteous Man and he would be forever changed because of it.

It was the most pure and blinding soul the Castiel had ever seen. No words in any human tongue, or even angelic, could describe the colours shifting through the soul like waves. Sure there was demon smut flickering at the edges but it didn't take away from the absolute brilliance of the soul. Castiel found himself reaching out to touch it.

When his fingers sank into the pure heat of the Righteous Man's soul he shattered. His entire being split apart and was remade into a new creature. No longer was Castiel just a soldier of God, he was now more. Thoughts rushed through him, feelings and desires surging through his body making him mad with the sensations. But the soul wasn't done with him yet. It instilled in him a new purpose, a solid foundation that would guide Castiel the rest of his existence.

 **PROTECT DEAN WINCHESTER**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Fix You by Coldplay_**

 _When you try your best but you don't succeed_

 _When you get what you want but not what you need_

 _When you feel so tired but you can't sleep_

 _Stuck in reverse_

 _When the tears come streaming down your face_

 _When you lose something you can't replace_

 _When you love someone but it goes to waste_

 _Could it be worse?_

 _Lights will guide you home_

 _And ignite your bones_

 _And I will try to fix you_

Dean didn't know how he was driving the Impala without crashing but he did know there as no way in hell he was stopping. Tears blurred his vision, his eyes swollen and red from fighting the sobs that wanted to break him down. But he had to get home, he had to get back to him.

He looked at the road signs as he passed, his determination growing with every mile that went by. Only 30 more miles to go…20….10…

Dean pulled the Impala into the rough gravel road that lead to Rufus's cabin, the home base for the Winchesters for a while now. Things weren't going well and this had been the best solution for them even if it was a little rougher then they were used to. Even if Sam complained about the lack of Wifi…Oh God Sammy…

"Almost there, almost there." Dean chanted the mantra to himself as he pushed the car even harder then he had been. The engine revved angrily and his baby started to complain about the abuse. Running his hand lovingly over her dash Dean apologized to the car that was his first love. She was a good girl, having taken him from one side of this country to another with his brother in the passenger seat. There were knicks, dents, scratches, broken panels and squeaking springs but she was his.

Finally he saw it, the cabin with candles in the window. Dean knew they would be there, he had promised to leave a light on for him at all times so that he would find his way home. Dean shook his head at how literal he was some times.

Dean pulled the Impala into the drive and slammed on the brakes. Gravel flew and Dean was throwing open the door as soon as she stopped. He didn't even get his feet on the porch when the cabin door opened and there he was.

"Dean?" Cas's voice was low and stoney like it always was but Dean didn't take the time to think about how it affected him right now. Instead he threw himself into the ex-angels arms and let the sobs come. He broke down like a child and let Cas hold him while all the pain and exhaustion came pouring out. And Cas just held him.

"Its ok Dean, its ok, I'm here. I'm here for is it Dean? Whats happened?" Cas whispered against his hair as Dean crumpled in his arms. He let Dean pull him down to the deck and held him in his lap while he cried.

"I…I can't Cas, I can't…" Dean whimpered out between wails. Cas ran his hand in circles on Dean's leather clad back and held his head to his chest.

"Its ok Dean, I'm here. I've got you." Cas soothed him.

"No, its not ok Cas, its never ok!" Dean yelled but he didn't push Castiel away. He needed the comfort that the man gave him, even if he wasn't ready to think about why.

"Tell me what happened Dean." Cas begged pulling up his chin so that he could look into the red rimmed green eyes he loved so much. Dean tried to hold his gaze, he really did. He wanted nothing more then to get lost in Cas's angel blue eyes but he couldn't, not now.

"Where's Sam Dean?" Cas asked him quietly even though the thought he already knew the answer.

"Sam…Sam's dead Cas. And this time he's not coming back." Dean whispered as fresh tears escaped his lids.

"Oh Dean." Cas's voice hitched and that started a new wave of sobs from the boy in his arms. Cas gathered Dean close and let him cry. Soon Dean had exhausted himself to the point of passing out and Castiel picked him up and carried him into the cabin. A clean bed was waiting in his room and he slid Dean inside. Pulling up the blanket Cas turned to leave but Dean's arm shot out and grabbed him.

"No, can't be alone…not alone." Dean begged Cas and with a nod Cas sat down on the edge of the bed. Dean closed his eyes again and in seconds was gone again. Grief radiated from him in waves and Castiel let his own tears come.

Castiel wasn't an angel any more, his grace was gone and he was empty. But he swore on his Father's name that he would not let Dean do this alone. Never alone. If it took him the rest of this human life he didn't care. He would fix Dean Winchester.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Shut Up And Let Me Go by The Ting Tings_**

'I'm going to kill him' Dean growled to himself as he pushed himself up out of the bed to the sound of music. He glanced at his watch and growled some more. He had gotten a grand total of three hours of sleep and he was NOT happy about it.

He threw open his door and was just drawing in his breath to scream Sam's name when there was a rather large moose paw slapped over his mouth.

"Shhhhh." Sam said putting his finger to his lips. When Dean nodded Sam slowly and silently led his brother to the main room of the bunker where there was music playing.

"Whats going on Sam?" Dean whispered to his brother's back.

"You'll see." Sam said throwing him a stupid grin over his shoulder. Dean rolled his eyes and just kept following him.

When they got to the doorway Sam motioned a stop and leaned up against the wall. Dean moved around him so that he could look out. And when he did his jaw dropped.

"Come on Cas, loosen up!" Claire was saying as she danced around the angel to the tune of some modern music. Castiel was watching the girl dance with a look of both confusion and curiosity on his face. He had thrown off his jackets and was in just his dress shirt and pants which threw Dean off even more. Of course he still had on that stupid backwards tie that drove Dean crazy.

"What is Claire doing here?" he drew back out of the doorway to whisper at Sam.

"Cas said he was going to try to convince her to go back to Jodi's but I guess he took her here instead." Sam shrugged looking out.

"Castiel! Come on!" Claire sounded extremely frustrated.

"I do not dance Claire." Cas said crossing his arms but when Dean took a closer look he saw that the angel was tapping his foot to the music.

"Everyone dances Cas, not everyone dances well that's all." Claire teased him by dancing in circles around him. She was hopping happily when Cas reached out to grab her arm.

"Cas?" she asked when suddenly he was spinning her around the room like he was in one of those old timey pre war dance halls. The music wasn't jazz like Dean pictured it should be but the tune was close enough that Cas seemed to be able to follow it.

Claire began to laugh wildly as Cas spun and swung her around. He even surprised everyone by smiling that oh so rare but beautiful full smile that exposed all of his teeth and crinkled his eyes. Castiel danced her around and when the song ended he dipped her, both of them laughing deeply.

"Wow Cas, I'm impressed." Claire said as he stood her back up and she straightened her hair.

"I have been around a long time Claire, and I did manage to pick up a thing or two." Castiel told her with a slight flush.

"Any other surprises?" Claire asked picking up her iPod and skimming through the music on it.

"I can juggle as well." Cas shrugged and Claire burst out laughing. Dean and Sam shared and look and began to walk back down the hall way to their rooms.

"So Cas can dance." Sam said smiling.

"And juggle." Dean chuckled.

"Good night Dean." Sam patted his brother on the back before walking on.

"Night Sammy."


	6. Chapter 6

**_All Or Nothing by Theory Of A Deadman_**

 _You've got all that I need_

 _Looking at all or nothing_

 _Babe it's you and I_

 _With you I know that_

 _I am good for something_

 _So let's go give it a try_

 _We've got our backs against the ocean_

 _It's just us against the world_

 _Looking at all or nothing_

 _Babe it's you and I_

 _Looking at all or nothing_

 _Babe it's you and I_

"I can't believe you're just going to go back to her!" Dean yelled as he kicked the motel table. The non offensive piece of furniture broke into a hundred pieces and Dean growled.

"You always said you wished I could have had a normal life Dean, and Amelia is my chance at normal." Sam said trying to calm his brother before he said things he regretted, which was Dean's MO when he was pissed.

"She was, but this, now, what we got? It ain't normal." Dean railed.

"I'm serious Dean, I'm out. I can't do this any more, not after having a piece of it for so long. I'm sorry I left you in Purgatory, I'm sorry I didn't try harder to help Kevin, and I'm sorry to have to leave but I just can't Dean, not any more." Sam sighed running his fingers through his long hair. Dean turned on him and his eyes were deadly.

"If you leave don't ever come back." he said and suddenly there was a deadly silence in the motel room. Dean immediately opened his mouth but Sam just grabbed his bag and held up his hand.

"Just like Dad." he said and then stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Dean knew he fucked up, fucked up in so many ways it would be impossible to fix it all. But god, he had to try. Sammy was all he had left, the only reason he had to keep going. And if Sammy was gone…

"Sam come on pick up!" Dean shouted into the phone when his call went straight to voice mail again. Growling in anger he threw the phone across the room and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that was helping him fuel his anger.

Why the hell did Sam have to leave now? And why the hell did Dean have to go and be so stupid and say the exact same damn thing that their father had said to him when he left for Stanford? Why was he always fucking up? Why was he always the one left alone?

Dean fought the tears that wanted to come but it was no use, and why bother really? There wasn't any one here to see him cry, no reason not to let it out. Dean put his head in his hands and sobbed. God he missed Cas so much and now Sam was gone too.

"I'm glad you came Sam." Amelia said in that gentle voice that Sam had missed. He couldn't believe he had thought about walking away from her, leaving this behind to go and risk his neck again and again. Amelia was so pure, so perfect for him. Someone who gave as good as she got and wasn't afraid to let him know when he was being a jerk. She loved him and he finally realized just how much he loved her too.

"Me too baby." he said pulling her close and kissing her softly in the motel room. His bag sat near the bed and he was glad to see her suitcase right there next to it. They had done it, they had chosen each other.

"So what now?" Amelia asked looking up at him. He ran his fingers through her loose curls and smiled.

"What ever you want, I've got no where to be." he said and she grinned. Turning into the room she led Sam to the bed where they had spent their last night together. Sam knew he should feel guilty for taking Amelia away from her husband but he wasn't going to think about it, not tonight.

"I missed you Sam." she said running her fingers in under his collar. Sam didn't give her more time to talk, he didn't want to talk. There was always talking and it always got in the way. Tonight he just wanted her, wanted to feel her under him and around him. Tomorrow they could talk, figure out what to do with the messes they had both created.

"Its just us against the world now." Amelia sighed as Sam's soft lips moved down her neck and he began to frantically pull of her clothes.

"All or nothing." Sam said before laying her back and claiming her as his own.

"Hello Dean." Dean's head whipped up so fast he actually saw spots in his vision. Great, now he was hallucinating. There was no other explanation as to how Castiel could be standing in his motel room all dirty and ragged looking.

"I don't have time for a mental breakdown right now." he sighed dropping his head again. The bottle of whiskey had been followed by a bottle of vodka and that had been followed by some mystery liquor he had found in the room's mini fridge. God that one had tasted bad. And was probably what was causing him to be seeing ghosts.

"Dean?" came Cas's voice again. This time when Dean looked up the angel had moved closer.

"Look either I'm dreaming you up or someone sent you here for me. Either way I'm not in the mood so leave." Dean growled. Was he really talking to a figment of his imagination right now?

"I'm not a dream." Cas insisted and when Dean opened his eyes he saw the dirty white hospital shoes right in front of him.

"Cas?" Dean whispered slowly trailing his eyes up the form of the man he had written off as gone.

"Its me Dean, I'm here." Cas said a little weak smile poking out from under his beard.

"Holy fuck Cas, how the hell did you get here? How did you get out? What the fuck happened?" Dean sprang up from the bed and grabbed Cas by the shoulders. He shook the man and Cas looked put out by that. He reached up to detach Dean's hands.

"Its a long story, and I'd like to get cleaned up if that's ok?" Cas said looking towards the bathroom.

"Oh right, yeah of course. But why not mojo yourself clean?" Dean asked stepping away from him embarrassed.

"Escaping Purgatory drained me, I'm pretty low on…mojo." Cas said a little flush crossing his cheeks.

"Don't worry about it Cas, go ahead and get cleaned up if you want." Dean said stepping back again.

"Thank you Dean." Cas nodded his head "where's Sam?"

"Sam?" Dean asked and immediately his eyes watered again. Looking away from Cas he fought the tears this time.

"Uh, Sam is…Sam is gone I guess. Took off with the girl he had been living with while we were in Purgatory." Dean said pulling a beer from the fridge so he wouldn't have to look at Cas's soul searching blue gaze.

"I…I've missed a lot." Cas said and Dean nodded. "I'll just go get a shower now." Dean heard the bathroom door close.

He turned around, put down the beer, considering how drunk he had been before Cas scared him sober, and went to sit on the bed again. Cas poked his head out and looked embarrassed.

"Dean, do you have a razor I could borrow. I'd like to get rid of this." he said pointing to his beard. It was rather sad looking Dean thought so he dug his razor out of his duffle and handed it over.

"Thank you." Cas said. Their fingers brushed as they handed off the razor and Dean instantly tensed.

Immediately he was sent back to Purgatory, all those days looking for Cas, worrying if he was dead or alive. Then finding him and fighting tooth and nail to get him out only to loose him at the very end. Dean found his heart beating erratically and his breath panted out.

"Cas…" Dean said finally looking up into those bluer then blue eyes. Cas was looking right back at him and his unwavering gaze broke down all Dean's defences.

"I guess its just you and me now Dean." Cas said in a whisper.

"Us against the world." Dean agreed. As Cas moved to step away Dean found himself pulling him into his arms instead. With no extra thought he covered Cas's lips with his own, closing his eyes and finally, finally, kissing his angel.

Cas's beard tickled Dean and it was a little alarming but it wasn't enough to make Dean stop. He let four years of repressed feelings pour into that kiss, the pain of loosing Cas to Purgatory still too fresh in his heart. And Cas must have felt it too because he wrapped himself around Dean and kissed him back. His lips were soft against Dean's and when Dean licked his bottom lip Cas let his tongue inside with no hesitation. Dean's tongue licked the inside of Cas's mouth and Cas moaned.

Finally Dean pulled back, his breath coming in pants and his eyes still closed. He laid his forehead against Cas's and finally opened those green eyes to look at him.

"All or nothing Cas, all or nothing."


	7. Chapter 7

**_Flesh by Simon Curtis_**

 _Hold my hands above my head_

 _And push my face into the bed_

 _Cause I'm a screamer baby_

 _Make me a mute_

 _You put your hand upon my neck and feel the pulse_

 _Beat beat beat beat_

 _It's like a trigger_

 _Get me ready to shoot_

 _Wanna wrestle with me baby_

 _Here's a sneak_

 _Little peek_

 _You can dominate the game_

 _Cause I'm tough_

 _I don't play around that often_

 _When I do_

 _I'm a freak_

 _So you'd better believe_

 _I like it rough_

 _Push up to my body_

 _Sink your teeth into my_

 _Flesh_

 _Get undressed_

 _Taste the flesh_

 _Bite into me harder_

 _Sink your teeth into my_

 _Flesh_

 _Pass the test_

 _Taste the flesh_

 _Hold me up against the wall_

 _Give it till I beg_

 _Give me some more_

 _Make me bleed I like it rough_

 _Like it rough like it rough like it rough_

 _Push up to my body_

 _Sink your teeth into my_

 _Flesh_

 ** _WARNING FOR LOTS AND LOTS OF DESTIEL SMUT_**

Castiel had never felt so much…ever. His entire body was flooding with hormones and emotions that he was unequipped to deal with. And Dean seemed to know that.

"I'm going to take care of you Cas." Dean whispered in his ear as he had him pressed face first into the wall. The angel's hands were pinned over his head and he had no room for movement. Dean though had lots of room to grind his hardness into Cas's ass and he did just that. Cas moaned and attempted to push back against the feeling.

"Stay." Dean growled slamming his hips against Cas's ass and pinning him against the wall that way. Cas panted out a weak cry but didn't fight.

"Be a good boy and maybe I'll give you want you want." Dean said into his ear as he let go of Cas's wrists to trail his fingers down the clothed arms. He grabbed the fabric and tore it off.

"Dean…" Cas whined out in a voice that was pure desire. He was trembling.

"Do I have to gag you?" Dean hissed against his skin. His teeth bit into the skin between shoulder and neck and Cas threw back his head and groaned. Dean chuckled and continued to strip the angel who was pressed against the wall. His trench, jacket and shirt were easy enough and landed in a crumpled pile somewhere in the motel room. Dean pulled off his own jacket and shirt before reaching between Cas and the wall to grab at his belt. His fingers quickly undid the leather and moved on to the pants. Roughly he slid the fabric down Cas's legs until he stood there with nothing but his boxers between him and the wall.

"Beautiful angel." Dean whispered as he nipped his teeth along Cas's shoulder. Castiel panted and closed his eyes against the sensations Dean was pulling from his body. When he heard the zipper of Dean's jeans he felt a new wave of blood go straight to his cock.

"Dean…please…" Cas begged. Dean stepped out of his jeans and spun Cas around.

"I said be quiet." Dean said slapping his hand over Cas's mouth. His deep green eyes were lust blown and there was a flush on his cheeks that made Cas writhe against him. He wanted contact, needed the friction his body desired.

"Like being controlled don't you angel?" Dean asked him taking his hand away to speak the words just over Cas's lips. Cas nodded but didn't speak.

"Naughty little angel." Dean smirked as he traced his fingers down Cas's front until he came to the band of his boxers. He teased his finger tips just under the elastic and Cas whined. He wanted to be touched so bad, needed to feel…something.

"Off." Dean said and pushed the underwear down and away. Now Castiel, Angel of the Lord, was gloriously and totally naked in front of him.

"If you move I will drag you to that bed and tie you down, got it?" Dean said and Castiel nodded. Not wasting a moment more Dean sank to his knees and wrapped those pink pouty lips around Cas.

Cas had never felt anything remotely close to this. His entire body bucked without his consent and he had to sink his teeth into his own lip to stop from crying out. Dean sucked all of him in until he hit the back of his throat. Then slowly and torturously he pulled off. Cas was breathing so hard he was afraid he would soon pass out but it was just so…fucking…good!

Dean sucked on the angel in front of him again and again. He swirled his tongue over Cas's head and his fingers squeezed the balls in front of him mercilessly. Just when he knew Cas had to be getting close he pulled off and stood.

"No, no, no, no…please Dean please…" Cas begged reaching out to grab Dean and pull him against him. Dean growled and in an instant had the angel on his knees in front of him.

"My turn." Dean said and Cas wasted no time pulling away the underwear and sucking Dean into his mouth eagerly. His fingers sank into the muscle of Dean's ass and he pulled him closer still.

"Fuck Cas…" Dean said between grit teeth. The angel was a natural cock sucker, knowing how far to suck him down and knowing exactly how he liked his teeth in his cock. Dean wrapped his fingers in Cas's dark hair and pulled until he had Cas sucking and biting at the rhythm he wanted. All the while Cas had those blue eyes of his locked onto Dean's face.

"Such a good boy." Dean praised the angel on his knees as he sucked him into his throat. Dean's head fell back against the wall and he pushed his cock deeper into Cas's mouth. The angel had no gag reflex and Dean found that hot as hell. It meant he could really fuck his mouth without worry. And he sure as hell did. Until he felt the familiar heat in his lower stomach that meant he was close to coming. Then he pulled Cas off and dragged him up by his hair to lick and suck at his lips.

"I'm going to fuck you sore baby." Dean said pushing Cas back until he fell onto the bed. The angel went with no protest and a look of desire on his face. Dean in control was everything he needed.

"On your hands and knees angel." Dean commanded and Cas did as he was told. He watched over his shoulder as Dean climbed onto the bed behind him. His gaze was on Cas's ass the whole time and Cas groaned as Dean's tongue came out and licked at his bottom lip.

"Eager aren't you?" Dean asked palming Cas's cheek roughly. Cas groaned and nodded.

"Beg me." Dean said trailing his fingers over Cas's opening. The angel bucked against the sensation and whined deep in his throat.

"Fuck me Dean, please…I need you Dean, I need you…" he moaned out. Dean reached over to his duffle on the floor and grabbed the lube that he kept there now. Cas closed his eyes as he listened to the pop of the top and then flinched when he felt the cold liquid run down his ass.

"Should I tease you more or are you ready for me?" Dean asked probing one finger inside. Castiel yelled out in pleasure at that one little intrusion and Dean chuckled.

"Hold on to the head board." he said and Cas wrapped his fingers around the metal rods. Giving him no more warning then that Dean sank his cock into Cas with one single thrust. The angel screamed, his body tensing and tightening around Dean's.

"So tight baby, always so good." Dean hissed out as he held still and let Cas adjust.

"More Dean please!" Cas begged. He was writhing in under the man and his cock was already weeping for release.

"I'm not going to touch you Cas, you have to come just from me fucking you." Dean warned and then he was pulling out and thrusting back inside with merciless strokes. Cas's knuckles turned white on the headboard and he screamed with every move Dean made. Dean smiled. Cas was never a quiet one in the bedroom, his every sound pushing Dean closer and closer to the edge. He reached his hand up and wrapped it in Cas's hair again. He pulled Cas up and against his chest.

"So good baby." he panted in Cas's ear as Cas's voice reached a new level with the change in position. Now every stroke of Dean's cock was hitting his prostate and driving him insane.

"Fuck me Dean, fuck me harder." Cas begged the man. Dean pushed Cas back down but this time he was face first into the pillow to muffle those blood heating screams of his. Dean fucked him into the mattress hard and Cas loved every fucking second of it. Heat pooled in his belly and before he could stop it he was coming all over the sheets in under him.

Dean knew when Cas came, his body tightened almost painfully around him. He knew it wouldn't be long before he'd be following but he was determined to wring every last ounce of pleasure out of the angel. He gripped Cas's hips, his fingers leaving bruises in the flesh, and rammed into his even harder. The bed slammed against the wall and Cas screamed into the pillow.

"You want me to fill you up angel?" Dean panted out, his body flushed and covered in sweat.

"Yes Dean, I want to feel it." Cas answered with a glance over his shoulder. Those blue eyes bored into Dean's green and that sent him over the edge. Dean threw his head back and shouted at the ceiling while filling up the angel beneath him. Finally when every single drop was pulled from him he collapsed over Cas.

"You ok?" he panted out as he laid a soft kiss on Cas's shoulder.

"Always." Cas grinned at him. "But I don't think you made me sore."

"Its a long night yet Cas, a long night." Dean grinned at his angel and kissed him softly.

In the room next door a wide eyed Sam was staring at the ceiling and reconsidering his actions that had finally gotten Dean to admit his feelings for Cas.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Blood In The Cut by_**

 _Guess I'm contagious it'd be safest if you ran_

 _Fuck that's what they all just end up doing in the end_

 _Take my car and paint it black_

 _Take my arm, break it in half_

 _Say something, do it soon_

 _It's too quiet in this room_

 _I need noise_

 _I need the buzz of a sub_

 _Need the crack of a whip_

 _Need some blood in the cut_

 _I need noise_

 _I need the buzz of a sub_

 _Need the crack of a whip_

 _Need some blood in the cut_

 _I need blood in the cut_

 _I need blood in the cut_

Dean stared at the blade in his hand in curiosity. He didn't remember picking it up but he did remember the sounds of the screaming it caused. And those screams were what he needed right now. Anything to make him feel something other then misery and pain.

Dean looked down at the gleaming blade and watched as the blood dripped from the tip and splattered onto the dark concrete floor at his feet. It joined the pool that was spilling from the body on the table. The light blonde hair was stained with the dark red of their own blood and Dean finally looked up.

The body was carved in pieces, all made so that the victim would suffer through it all but never pass out. Dean was very good at making people pass out but that didn't serve his purpose today. Today he needed the screams and begging to make him _feel_.

' _Feels good don't it boy? Knowing those people are begging you for their lives, begging you to make it stop, just stop._ '

Dean spun around looking for the demon hissing in his ear. He knew that voice, knew the demon it belonged to was gone and dead. Put there by the same hand holding the bleeding blade right now.

Turning back Dean saw the the body on the table was useless to him now, the life spilled onto the floor along with the metallic blood. So he put down his blade, lifted the corpse and threw it to the floor with the others. He was getting quite a pile of them here, soon he'd had to do something about that.

"Oh god, please no!" a voice screamed as he grabbed them from the cage and dragged them to the table. He didn't listen, just picked them up, tied them down and grabbed his blade. The first cut was the best, the screaming the purest and strongest. The metal sliced through skin and muscles alike, not caring about the pain it was causing. Dean liked the blade. There were other weapons and tools he some times used but the blade was his favourite. It was simple, it was dependable, it was…pure.

' _Not too deep yet boy, you know that makes them pass out. Got to make this last don't we?_ ' the lispy whisper was back in his ear but Dean ignored it. He felt his fingers growing slick with blood and switched hands to wipe them off in his already crusted jeans.

They were screaming proper now, blood curdling, throat tearing screams that often meant they were right on the verge of absolute surrender. For the first time in years Dean smiled.

 ** _Normally I only do one story for one song but this one inspired two very different stories and I thought I should tell them all. WARNING this story contains self harm and a suicide attempt. Please proceed with caution._**

Castiel didn't remember picking up the blade. He didn't remember sliding it along his skin and he didn't remember the blood filling the cut. But as he watched the blood well to the surface and spill down his white skin he did know one thing: it made him _feel_. Cas put the small razor back to his arm and pulled it along again. Stinging and then more metallic red liquid pooling and then falling to the tile of the bunker bathroom. It joined the three other drops and Cas watched them distractedly. Shaking his head he put the blade back to his skin and drew it across over and over again. More stinging, more blood and a bigger pool now.

He did sit on the lid of the toilet though. It gave him the opportunity to pull off his coat completely and roll up his sleeves. More cuts, more blood and finally Cas felt more something more. For the first time since this had all started he felt something other then guilt. He felt something other then loneliness and uselessness. He let his fingers go lax and dropped the tiny blade to the floor. Sitting back he let his head fall back against the wall and let the sensations of pain and lethargy fill his mind.

"Cas? Castiel?!" came a voice from far away and Cas ignored it. It was warm here, warm and dark and soothing. His mind was clear for the first time in months.

"God don't do this to me Cas, I can't do this right now. Cas, Cas?! Come on Cas." the voice was cutting through the fog. Cas hated it, hated the voice and the person it belonged to. Wait? What? No he didn't…did he? And that was the root of the problem, no matter how much he wanted he just couldn't hate Dean Winchester.

"Sam, Sammy! Get in here, it Cas."

"What…oh my god, what happened?" came another voice, this one not having quite the same impact on his happy darkness as the other.

"I don't know but there's the blade. Help me get him to the bed so we can close these cuts. Fuck, Sam, do you see how deep that one is?"

"Don't focus on that now Dean, lets get him fixed up."

He was being lifted and his head fell back into an uncomfortable position. Dammit, couldn't they just leave him alone to enjoy the nothingness? Cas struggled to wake up, to tell them to leave him, to let him go. But all that came through was a moan and his eyelids fluttering.

"He's trying to wake up, that's a good sign right?" Dean asked his brother. Then Cas was being laid on the bed and warm water was being put to his skin. The cuts stung and Cas struggled against it. He wanted to go back to the nothing…back to not feeling all these _things_. But they ignored him, went about their work of torturous cleaning and stitching. Cas's world filled with irritating pain and he started to groan.

"Cas, are you ok buddy? Are you with us?" Dean's voice was next to his ear and Cas turned towards it. He managed to open one eye and stared at the deep green.

"Let me go." he croaked out. Dean's eyes were filling with tears but there was an anger there as well. Well good, Cas shouldn't be the only to feel all these emotions. Let the Righteous Man suffer along with the fallen angel. It was only right since he was the one who had made the angel do it all in the first place.

"No way, never going to happen. You know us Winchesters just can't let things die." Dean gave him a weak smile and ran his fingers through Cas's hair. Cas growled and turned his face away from him. He saw Sam on the other side still patching up an arm. Sam looked at him with those soft hazel eyes.

"Rest Cas, we'll talk about this later." Sam told him. Cas shook his head and just stared at the ceiling.

Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Let him do this one last thing. It was so much easier then dealing with all the guilt, all the mistakes, all the…emotions that swamped him every damn minute of every damned day.

"You can't leave me Cas, I won't let you." Dean whispered against his ear and Cas felt the tears finally escape his eyes and roll down his cheeks. Damn that voice, damn that man. With the last of his energy Cas turned his head to look at Dean.

"I need you man, I do." Dean told him and tears were also leaking down his face. Cas looked into his eyes and for the first time thought he might see something close to what he himself felt.

"Ok Dean." he said and then gave in to the call of the darkness.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Way Down We Go by Kaleo_**

 _Father tell me, we get what we deserve_

 _Oh we get what we deserve_

 _And way down we go_

 _Way down we go_

 _Say way down we go_

 _Way down we go_

 _You let your feet run wild_

 _Time has come as we all oh, go down_

 _Yeah but for the fall oh, my_

 _Do you dare to look him right in the eyes?_

 _'Cause they will run you down, down til the dark_

 _Yes and they will run you down, down til you fall_

 _And they will run you down, down til you go_

 _Yeah so you can't crawl no more_

 _And way down we go_

 _Way down we go_

 _Say way down we go_

 _'Cause they will run you down, down til you fall_

 _Way down we go_

Sam wiped angrily at the tears blurring his vision. He didn't have time for them right now, not when he had so much work to do. He glanced in his rear view mirror and at the sight of his brother in the backseat he sped the Impala up.

Mile markers came and went while Sam counted the minutes until he saw the lights of the city ahead. He knew where he was going and he didn't let up on the gas until he saw the large warehouse come into view. Pulling into the lot he slammed on the brakes and got out not bothering to turn the car off.

"Come on Dean, I got you." he said to his big brother as he lifted his weight from the seat and carried him through the doors. Black eyes greeted him but he ignored them all and made his way to the back room where he knew Crowley would be. The King of Hell was nothing if not diligent in his duties.

He came to two large double door and lifting up one foot kicked them in. Demons scattered at the look on the hunters face but he ignored everything but the man on the throne.

"Moose." Crowley said nodding his head in Sam's direction. Sam laid his brother out gently on the floor, ignoring the way his head lolled to the side with his bright green eyes staring at nothing.

"Fix him." Sam said in a deadly voice to the cross roads demon. Crowley looked at Dean's life less body and then back at Sam.

"I'm afraid you came to the wrong side of the lines for that Sam. Castiel would have been able to help you but I can not." he said.

"Cas is gone, now fix him." Sam insisted. He felt the tears burning his eyes but wouldn't dare let them slip in front of the demon.

"Like I said, I can not. Your brother is beyond my help."

"Fix him!" Sam screamed and the entire room emptied of demons. Only the king remained and he was no longer looking at the Winchester with indulgence.

"I can't!" Crowley said just as loudly. Sam stormed up the steps and grabbed the little man by the shirt and lifted him up.

"Fix my brother Crowley, or I swear by all the I believe in that I will take this throne from you. Dean was the only thing keeping me on the good side and if he's dead then there's nothing keeping me from taking my rightful place as King." Sam hissed and Crowley's eyes widened.

"Lucifer is in the cage and without him your nothing." Crowley said but he sounded less then confident.

"Remember when I was drinking all that demon blood? Remember what I could do? Well looks to me like there's plenty of demon blood here to gorge myself on." Sam said and let the man drop back to his throne. Crowley kept his eyes on Sam but straightened his jacket.

"I will see what I can do." he said standing and walking to Dean's body. He knelt down and looked him over. There was a lot of damage to look at. Something had torn Dean from neck to nuts and everything inside had come tumbling out. He dead eyes stared at nothing and his soul was very much gone.

"Like I said Samuel, nothing I can do. His soul is gone and even I can not repair this amount of damage." Crowley said standing. When he turned Sam was sitting in his throne and he froze.

"Then I guess its time to start. And what better blood to christen the new kingdom with than with the blood of the old king." he said and before Crowley could back up he had lunged forward and snapped some demon chains on him.

"Sam!" he yelled but Sam was no longer paying attention. He reached inside of his jacket and pulled out the demon blade that he had gotten from Ruby all those years ago.

"That's King Sam." he said quietly through the tears as he plunged the blade into Crowley's chest.

In the Cage there was a shudder and Lucifer stopped his tormenting of Micheal to look up.

"What was that?" Micheal asked looking up as well.

"Sam has come home." Lucifer smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Midnight by Tyler Glenn_**

 _God, where the hell are you hiding?_

 _My hands are in the air, it's so exciting_

 _I've been on the run, so I'm not coming Sunday_

 _It's alright, I'll probably talk to you at midnight_

 _God, I could never be like you_

 _I can't change, I can't change and I don't want to_

 _I've been on the run, so I'm not coming Sunday_

 _It's alright, I'll probably talk to you at midnight_

 _I'll probably talk to you at midnight_

How does one know for a fact that God is real but have no faith any more? This was the question that plagued Castiel, Angel of the Lord, as he sat in the empty church struggling. He sat in the back pew, furthest from the statue of Jesus as he could get. He didn't feel clean enough to be here.

"Can I help you son?" came the comforting voice of the churches minister. Castiel looked up and he saw the pureness of the man in front of him.

"I…I've lost my faith." Cas said looking down in embarrassment. How does an actual angel loose their faith?

"Don't worry my son, you're not the first person in here to have that problem." the minister said gently sitting next to Castiel.

"But, I…how do you keep faith in someone who abandons you Father?" he asked the priest.

"And why do you feel like God has abandoned you?"

"Because he has Father, he has abandoned us all!" Castiel said a little louder then intended.

"I know it can feel like that at times my son, but God is never not with us."

"But…but theres so much evil in this world Father. So much he could change with just a snap of his fingers or the blink of his eyes." Cas carried on.

"Have you ever had children?" the priest asked and Cas looked up at him blinking in confusion.

"I…I don't see how that's relevant." he admitted.

"Before I joined the church I was married and I had three children, beautiful strong children who drove me insane on a weekly basis." the priest was smiling as he spoke.

"But as a parent I knew that their strong wills would help them in this world. Nothing could tell them what to do and nothing could stand in their way if they wanted something." he looked at Castiel and there was a sadness in his eyes.

"One became a doctor, moved to India to help children there. One became a stay at home mother, had two beautiful children of her own, but this was after she struggled with addiction and lost her way in the world. My third child, he also became an addict." he said.

"He struggled, my third child. He was addicted to anything and everything and there was nothing I could do to help him. Lord knows we tried. We sent him to rehab, we brought him back into our home so we could watch him constantly. But nothing helped. You see its not a parents job to fix all of their children problems my son. Some times you just have to stand there and let the bad things happen so that they learn." he said looking at Cas like he was hoping what he was saying made sense.

"So you're saying that God lets us struggle to make us stronger?" Cas asked.

"I'm saying no matter how much you love your children some times they need to make their own way in the world. I lost my son to his addictions but my daughter? She's strong and she made her way out. I didn't love any one of them more then the other and I knew that nothing I did as a parent could have saved my son's life. You can have the best parents in the world my son but some times life just makes you something, or someone, you never wanted to be. I think God is still there, watching over us and waiting to see if we'll learn our lesson."

"But why not at least let us know he's here? Show us some guidance? You must have at least tried to give your children guidance?" Cas asked frustrated.

"I did. And so does God. The Bible is our guidance." the priest said.

"The Bible is propaganda." Cas said cynically.

"Some of it is yes. But if you take it for its core meaning and not word for word then we have everything we need to make our lives good. God just wants us to be good to each other my son." the Father stood and patted Cas on the shoulder. "I have to go but you're welcome to stay for as long as you need. I'll come back if you wish." he offered.

"Thank you Father." Cas replied and bowed his head again. As the priest walked away Castiel sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. He still had no closer answer then when he came here but something about the words the Father had said struck him.

Was God sitting back and letting them find their own way? Was he waiting to see if his creations would be successful or turn into addicts? Did he love them any less because he refused to interfere? He looked around the wooden church and sighed again. He had so many questions, so many times he had just needed a guiding hand. If God was still watching then he was a bastard.

"God, Father…I try, I really do. I think we all do, but you left us here with no instructions. How are we to guide and help humanity? Do we be gentle and let them make their own mistakes or do we take a firm hand and lead them down the path they can't see? And who guides us? Who takes our shoulder and puts us on the right path? Because Father I've been looking, I've been searching for that path and I can't find it." Castiel lowered his head again and there were tears in his eyes. So many years looking for guidance, begging for help and choosing the wrong path. Castiel was tired, he was tired and he was faithless.


	11. Chapter 11

**_Bad Habit by The Kooks_**

 _Baby got our head down_

 _Baby got our head down to the ground_

 _Looking for a stranger_

 _Looking for a stranger to love_

 _You got to touch your eyes and crush your tears_

 _You gotta let go, come with me_

 _Looking for a stranger_

 _Looking for a stranger to love_

 _You say you want it, but_

 _You can't get it in_

 _You got yourself a bad habit_

 _Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole_

 _I say breathe, stay with me_

 _You say you want it, but_

 _You can't get it in_

 _You got yourself a bad habit_

 _Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole_

 _I say breathe_

 _Oh man, oh man, oh man_

 _You know I wish I had it all_

God how he had missed this, the swirl of nothingness that came with getting so fucking high that he didn't have to think. Castiel rested his head back against the cool porcelain of the bath tub and let himself float.

There really was no reason for him to be doing this, he knew that. But some times he just wanted that high, just wanted to be…nothing. The high didn't demand that he think, didn't demand that he try to be something he wasn't. The drugs didn't question his motives, didn't demand that they talk talk talk all the fucking time. The drugs just let him be…nothing.

"Cas? Are you home Cas? Your car is still in the driveway and your boss said you haven't been to the office in two days." came a familiar voice that threatened to draw Castiel out of his high. Fuck, he should have locked the door.

Steps were pounding up the stairs and there was a knock at the bathroom door. Cas opened his eyes and swung his head to look at it.

"Cas? Are you ok?" the deep gravel voice asked and even though he was high as fuck right now he couldn't fight the shiver it sent through his body. His traitorous body remembered that voice in his ear while laying over him. Cas squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fight the images and memories that wanted to swamp his high. He pushed the heel of his palms against his eye lids but he didn't have control of his mind any more.

Images of naked bodies, of dark blonde hair and green eyes, came to his mind and he fought to push them down. He didn't want to remember what it felt like to have those strong fingers all over and inside of his body. He hated the memories of that voice panting his name as he swallowed him down. He didn't want any of it.

"Leave me alone!" Cas screamed picking up the needle at his side and searching for the baggie he had brought in the room with him. He didn't know if he was screaming at the man at the door or at the memories.

"Cas? What are you doing in there? Please don't be doing what I think you're doing." the voice pleaded and there was a jingle to the door knob. Cas let out a snort, at least he had remembered to lock that door. He finally found the baggie and started to tie off his arm again. Soon he'd be back to not thinking.

"Cas, open the door or I'm going to kick it in!" the man yelled.

"Leave me alone Dean!" Cas yelled as he prepped his needle.

"Not going to happen buddy." Dean said and then there was a kick to the wooden door. It did put up a fight, Cas would give it that, but after three kicks the wood split and Dean was standing in his doorway looking very angry.

"Dammit Cas." he dove to the floor and knocked the needle out of Cas's hands. He grabbed the baggie and promptly flushed every bit of it down the toilet to Castiel's very loud, very angry protests.

"Come on, lets get you cleaned up." Dean said trying to reign in his anger. He helped Cas strip down to nothing and he helped him get in a nice warm shower. Cas sank to the floor of the shower and cried over his ruined high. Dean listened to him sobbing as he scoured the house for more drugs. Where the hell had he gotten them this time? Dean knew it wasn't hard to find drugs in this town but he thought he had warned all the dealers about Cas. The fact that he was a cop should have been enough to put Cas on the no fly list.

"Cas? Are you ready to get out?" Dean asked peeking in the curtain and seeing Cas on the floor. He had stopped crying but now stared vacantly at the tiled walls. Dean sighed and shrugged out of his coat. He reached inside and pulled Cas out of the shower. The man was easy to lift, he had stopped eating again. Christ, how had he gone so downhill in the three days since Dean had last checked on him?

"Let me go Dean, leave me alone." Cas protested weakly. But the drugs had done their job on him and he was too feeble to make a real attempt to get away.

"Shut up Cas." Dean growled out. He got him into his bedroom and went about getting him into some comfy sweats before depositing him in bed.

"Why are you here anyway? Why are you even around any more?" Cas glared at the man he loved. The one who caused all the pain he was constantly in.

"Because I love you Cas." Dean said pushing him not the bed and pulling the blankets over him. Cas looked so small, so weak in the large bed by himself.

"If you loved me you'd still be here." Cas said and he rolled over onto his side away from Dean. Dean sighed. He grabbed his phone to text Lisa and let her know he would be late getting home and then he shrugged out of his shirts. Stripping to just his jeans he lifted the blankets and crawled in next to Cas.

"Go away." Cas grumbled trying to pull away from Dean. Ignoring him Dean pulled him into his chest and spooned him tight.

"Just because I'm with Lisa now doesn't mean I don't still love you Cas. I just…I just couldn't do this any more. It was too much Cas." Dean said speaking into Cas's neck.

"I was too much trouble." Cas started to sniffle.

"I can't help you if you don't want help Cas. And I couldn't stand by and watch you destroy yourself." Dean sighed. He placed one warm kiss on Cas's neck when he felt him trembling in his arms.

"Go home Dean, go back to Lisa." Cas said but he clung desperately to the arm around his waist.

"Not happening." Dean replied.

"I hate you." Cas sobbed. His high was wearing off and he was crashing hard.

"No you don't." Dean argued. He knew all these signs and knew Cas was going to be miserable for at least two days after this latest slip up. They had warned him about relapses when Cas had finished rehab and Dean was more determined then ever to be here whether Cas wanted him there or not.

"I wish I could." Cas sobbed harder. Dean buried his face in Cas's neck and just held him while he cried. And if he let a tear or two slide out as well? Fuck it.


	12. Chapter 12

**_Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran_**

"Come on Cas, just once?" Dean laid his best puppy eyes on the angel. Unfortunately his was vastly inferior to Sam's and Castiel just continued to look at him with a scowl.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I promise I'll never ask again."

"No."

"I'll buy you some burgers."

"No."

"I'll let you pick the music in the car."

"No."

"I'll let you fly me to our next case."

"No."

"Cas…"

"No."

"Caaaaaaaaassssssssss…"

"No."

"Please angel?"

"No."

"I'll let you do that thing you wanted to try later."

"Ok."

Dean grinned and watched as Cas shrugged off his jacket and laid it across the back of the bar chair. He hesitantly let Dean take his hand and lead him to the dance floor.

"Loosen up baby, just follow my lead ok?" Dean said putting one arm around Cas's waist and pulling him into his body.

"I am not comfortable with this." Cas continued to scowl.

"I'm ok with that." Dean grinned and began to move Cas to the music. Dean wasn't one for new music but he found that Ed Sheeran was an exception to that rule. And ever since he had heard this song he had wanted to grind up against Cas.

"I…is this appropriate Dean?" Castiel asked nervously as he curled his fingers into Dean's arms. He was gently moving his hips against Dean and Dean closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation.

"Oh yeah." Dean whispered out. He opened his eyes to see Cas looking at him with a very heated look in those blue eyes of his. His pupils were blown and Dean could feel how the dancing was affecting him. Dean reached up to grab the tie and pull him in for a hot kiss.

Cas moaned into his mouth and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. There were cat calls from the corner where Sam and Charlie were watching them.

"How much later?" Cas breathed out as he pulled back from Dean's lips.

"What?" Dean was confused. The music was starting to end but he just pulled Cas closer.

"You said I could do that thing later, so how much later?" Cas asked and Dean's entire body tightened at his breathy plea. He stepped away from Cas, grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the parking lot to the car. Castiel was grinning widely as Dean ushered him into the back seat.

"Oh yeah." Dean breathed as he watched his angelic boyfriend's ass.

"I guess they'll be back?" Charlie said watching Dean and Cas rush to the door. Cas didn't even come back for his coat.

"They'd better, they're our ride." Sam grumped but he was smiling.

"I don't want to get in that backseat after them." Charlie was pulling a gross face. Sam laughed and agreed.


	13. Chapter 13

**_Someone New by Hozier_**

 _And so I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_

 _Every day with someone new_

 _I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_

 _Every day with someone new_

 _I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_

 _Every day with someone new_

 _I fall in love just a little ol' little bit_

 _Every day with someone new_

Dean Winchester didn't fall in love with the angel in one heart stopping moment, it was little moments spread out over months and years. So insignificant that he didn't even realize it was happening. There was no burning sexual need, there was no breath taking moment of realization, there was no heart swelling, soul singing, sunlight draped epiphany when he realized he loved Castiel but one day when he was old, tired and ready for the end he looked into those blue eyes that never aged and he just knew.

It started with little things. Cas's loyalty always impressed the Winchesters so he guessed that was where it started really. His over riding desire to good in the world was another. Even when Cas messed up, and boy did he ever mess up, he was just trying to be _good_.

The first hint that Dean had that his feelings for his best friend were a little more then friendly was when he was trying to teach Cas about modern pop culture. Metatron might have instilled all the awareness for the jokes and references but it didn't make him understand it all. So Dean made it his personal mission to make Cas watch _Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, The Lord Of the Rings_ and any other movie that played an integral part in Dean's vocabulary and sarcasm. And for good measure he threw in a few hidden guilty pleasures like _The Princess Bride_ and _Pretty Woman_. Those movie nights happened when Sam was out doing research or otherwise preoccupied. Dean would drag Cas to the sofa, pop some popcorn and spend the next two hours telling him which parts were the best and when to really pay attention. Of course he needed have told him to pay attention, every time he snuck a glance at the angel he was engulfed in the tv and not paying Dean any attention. Dean was able to really look at Cas as much as he wanted. He studied the way the light from the tv painted colours across his nose and jaw bone. He finally noticed how Cas's sexed up hair wasn't just black, it was a deep brown with lighter tones of brown throughout. And he noticed how those dry chapped lips of his widened or thinned with his understanding.

Another thing Dean remembers that made him love the angel even more was trying to get him to learn to cook. Dean himself was very good in the kitchen and he thought it was something Cas should participate in. Just in case he had to do it on his own some day. So they started with frying bacon. Dean gave step by step instructions on the temperature of the pan, the placement of the strips of bacon, when to tell when it was done just right and how to never, ever touch a cast iron frying pan even if it wasn't cooking at the moment. This lesson came after Cas needed to heal his hand in frustration. Dean chuckled while the angel complained about not knowing the handle would be so hot. After a few more lessons Dean trusted that Cas could at least make breakfast for himself if he absolutely had to.

Of course Dean moved on from cooking to baking. Every person on the planet should at least be able to bake a pie in Dean's opinion. Cookies were good, cake in a pinch, but pie…everyone needed pie. So Dean stole some of Sam's farm stand organic crap apples and him and Cas spend an entire afternoon making apple pie. Dean did most of the work but Castiel watched him avidly. He even let the angel make the cuts in the top to let the steam out. When he pulled one very golden and flakey apple pie from the oven Cas practically beamed at him. And that right there was another moment of course.

Dean had always been impressed by people who could fight with style. Why do you think he loved all those old Kung Fu movies so much? So when he had Cas fighting by his side he was always a little stunned at the fluid grace and power Castiel fought with. He knew he was an warrior in Heaven but that wasn't the same as seeing Cas take on demons or monsters without expression or even much effort. And the way that stupid trench coat swirled around him didn't help. It was dramatic and Dean hated to admit it got him a little hot.

Castiel didn't get Dean's music. He just didn't. No matter how many hours they spent in the car listening to classic rock Cas just didn't get why Dean loved it so much. Then again neither did Sam so he could be forgiven. So to try and get Cas to find some kind of music he liked Dean let Sam install his iPod dock again. And they got something called Spotify. Sam was thrilled to have something other then his father's old hair metal tapes to listen to. It wasn't until they were riding down some highway in backwater Florida that Cas actually found something he liked. Sam had let the music go from whatever it wanted and they weren't really paying attention to it. Until Sam went to change a song and Cas's hand came over the seat to grab his shoulder.

"Leave it." his deep gravel voice came out with a slight blush on his cheeks.

"Really Cas? This is what you like?" Sam asked surprised.

"The words are poetry Sam, listen to what the man is saying. And the voice of the female accompaniment is angelic." Cas explained and Dean smiled to himself.

"Alright Cas, if you say so." Sam shrugged and looked back out the window. Dean kept grinning. Cas liked hip hop.

One thing that did stick out in Dean's mind about falling in love with Cas is the moment he knew there was something inside of him called jealousy. Dean was a love em and leave em kind of guy so jealousy just didn't make sense when he was the one most people were jealous of. But one night when they had managed to drag Cas to a bar and have a couple of beers Dean discovered he was indeed a jealous man. At least where the angel was concerned. A little blonde girl was at the bar when Cas went to get the next round of drinks and with one glance Dean knew she was going to make a play. He should know, he had seen it enough. Sure enough after Cas put in his grin order the girl's fingers found his arm and she gave him a stunning smile. Cas didn't seem prepared for it, his social awkwardness actually playing in the girls favour. Dean wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying but he could tell by Cas's relaxing eye brows that he was happy to be talking to the girl. And as she sidled closer to him Dean knew she was awful happy to be there as well.

"Dean?" Sam asked watching his brother closely. He glanced up to see Cas and the girl and a smirk came over him.

"Shut up Sammy." Dean said not even looking at his brother. He continued to glare at the back of the girls head and when Cas didn't even notice the pitcher of beer the bartender placed on the bar Dean's green eyes narrowed in anger. He pushed up from the table and Sam's hand shot out to grab his arm.

"They're just talking Dean." Sam said trying to calm his brother down. Dean seemed to listen and he sank back into his seat to sulk. Cas finally said good bye to the girl, to her disappointment by the look on her face, and joined them with the beer.

"Did you get her number?" Dean growled out and he knew he sounded like an asshole.

"Why would I do that?" Cas asked him completely unaware of Dean's anger. That seemed to help calm Dean down even more and soon they were back to smiling and drinking.

Time moved on as it always does, apocalypse after apocalypse was diverted or thwarted by the threesome and before Dean knew it he was old. Older then a hunter had any right to be. Sammy aged, found a new girl and settled into a life he had always wanted. It wasn't prefect, or completely 100% normal, but he was happy and that's all Dean wanted. As for him? He and his angel continued to criss cross the country saving people, hunting things, the family business. Until Dean got to be too old to hold up any more. He was 64 when everything caught up with him. He was still trying to hunt, on a vampire hunt specifically, when he made a fatal mistake. The blade entered his chest just kicking the very edge of his heart and Dean fell. Cas was there in a blink, killing the vampire and holding Dean in his lap.

"Hold on Dean, I can heal this." Cas said when Dean grabbed his hand to stop him.

"I'm tired Cas." Dean said as he felt his life pumping out onto the floor.

"You can rest after I heal you." Cas said trying to touch his chest. Dean held his wrist firmly.

"Not his time Cas, not this time." he shook his head. Castiel looked at him with desperation in his eyes.

"I've had a good life Cas. I've saved lots of people, killed Hitler." Dean grinned and Cas chuckled. "But its time now."

"I'm not ready Dean." Cas said and his eyes filled with tears.

"I am." he used his waning strength to put his hand on Cas's cheek.

"I've always loved you Cas, I hope you know that." he said. Cas was trying to give him a weak smile but the tears didn't stop.

"I've loved you since I raised you from Perdition Dean Winchester." Cas replied laying his forehead against Dean's.

"Will you be in Heaven with me angel?" Dean asked with his final breath. Cas opened his mouth to answer but Dean was already gone. Castiel, Angel of the Lord, sobbed like a child as he held the body of the man who had made him live.

After what felt like forever Cas took Dean's body to Sam. He had long since gained his wings back and as he flew across the country with Dean in his arms he used the time to compose himself. Sam would need him to be strong. So he was. He was strong while Sam cried, strong while Sam burned Dean's body and strong while Sam healed. His wife helped with that of course but Cas liked to think he played a part as well.

When Sam's life was truly moving on Castiel said his good byes and flew to Heaven. He made his way down a long hall and placed his hand on the door knob. With one final glance back at his home he pushed open the door and went inside.

"What took you so long angel?"


	14. Chapter 14

**_Fear And Loathing by Marina And The Diamonds_**

 _I've lived a lot of different lives_

 _Been different people many times_

 _I live my life in bitterness_

 _And fill my heart with emptiness_

 _And now I see, I see it for the first time_

 _There is no crime in being kind_

 _Not everyone is out to screw you over_

 _Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya_

 _Now the time is here_

 _Baby, you don't have to live your life in fear_

 _And the sky is clear_

 _Is clear of fear_

 _Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_

 _I wanna feel like I am floating_

 _Instead of constantly exploding_

 _In fear and loathing_

 _Got different people inside my head_

 _I wonder which one that they like best_

 _I'm done with tryin' to have it all_

 _And endin' up with not much at all_

 _And now the time is here_

 _Baby you don't have to live your life in fear_

 _And the sky is clear_

 _Is clear of fear_

 _Of fear_

 _Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_

 _I wanna feel like I am floating_

 _Instead of constantly exploding_

 _In fear and loathing_

 _And when the time comes along and the lights run out_

 _I know where I will belong when they blow me out_

 _Don't wanna live in fear and loathing_

 _I wanna feel like I am floating_

 _Instead of constantly exploding_

 _In fear and loathing_

 _I wanna be completely weightless_

 _I wanna touch the edge of greatness_

 _Don't wanna be completely faithless_

 _Completely faithless_

 _When the time comes around_

 _When the lights will go out_

 _When the time comes around_

 _When the lights they go out_

"Ok Winchester you can do this." Dean pepped talked himself as he drove his Baby towards the store where he knew 'Steve' would be working. He could do this, he had to.

He was tired of being alone, he was tired of lying to himself about everything he was feeling. He was determined to haul his head out of his ass and finally, finally, do something completely and utterly selfish. Would it work? Who knew? But Dean knew he had to try.

The highway fell away in under the wheels of the Impala and Dean became more and more nervous. He had to talk himself out of turning the car back around and going back to Sam but he knew if he did that he'd live the rest of his life loathing himself. There were very few people who knew Dean Winchester for what he really was and he was currently driving towards one of them. Even Sammy only knew Dean the Big Brother, not Dean the Man.

Dean was sweating by the time he pulled into the parking lot of the convenience store. He parked the car and white knuckled the steering wheel. Could he do this? Could he go in there and tell him how he really felt? Dean looked through the large glass window and just watched him.

Cas looked the same as always but he didn't expect any difference. But the closer he looked the more changes he did see. Cas no longer hunched over himself, he stood prouder then he had when he was an angel. He looked at everyone and everything clearly and Dean grew jealous of the other people on the end of that too blue gaze. He even smiled at the occasional customer and Dean smiled along at that toothy grin. Before it had to be pulled out of him but now it was a little more natural.

Cas was happy and that made Dean's ass freeze to his car seat. Did Dean have any right to barge there and ruin it for him? Would he ruin it or would he be welcome with his heavy baggage? Did Cas even feel the same way towards him? Sure everyone said he did and everyone thought it was long overdue but what if they were wrong?

Cas suddenly looked towards him and Dean's breath froze in his lungs. Those blue eyes were suddenly focused on him and the immediate smile helped to thaw Dean where he was. He raised his hand and gave Cas a small wave. Cas waved back but then was drawn back to his customer.

Dean opened the door and got out of the car. His legs were trembling and his heart was racing but it was now or never. He could do this. He was a hunter, one of the biggest baddest ones around and when monsters heard the name Winchester they ran. Heaven and Hell both knew him by name and reputation and they trembled. He could do this!

Dean went to the door and opened it to let out a woman before he pushed inside. Cas smiled at him but was busy serving people so Dean looked around nervously and got in line. Slowly he shuffled his way closer to the man who was making his heart pound and his breath hitch.

"Hello Dean." Castiel said and his voice washed over Dean. It helped push away the fear and loathing Dean lived with constantly and Dean knew he was doing the right thing. Instead of answering the ex-angel Dean reached over the counter, grabbed him by that stupid blue vest and pulled him in to crush his lips against his.

Cas's lips were soft and dry against Dean's but after a seconds hesitation he got with the program and kissed Dean back. Dean released his vest to trail his hands up to cup Cas's face and deepen the kiss. Soon Cas was grasping at the shoulders of Dean's jacket and trying to pull him closer. When Dean finally had to pull back for breath he laid his forehead against Cas's.

"I'm sorry it took me so long." he said honestly to his angel. Cas looked into his green eyes and smiled.

"I was willing to wait." he replied and then he was kissing Dean again and the rest of the world fell away.


	15. Chapter 15

**_Ready Steady by Louden Swain_**

 _Are you ready steady on?_

 _It's hard to tell_

 _Hard to tell_

 _Who's leading who on?_

 _It's hard to tell_

 _I'll never tell_

 _What's your address?_

 _You left it so long ago_

 _Along with your mess_

 _Washed out with the undertow_

 _Living in sheets_

 _Loving like thunderstorms_

 _Forgiving the thieves_

 _For not really taking more_

 _Who do we blame for the things that we both took for granted_

 _It's hard to tell_

 _I'll never tell_

 _The light and the fights in the streets have all risen and landed_

 _And it's hard to tell_

 _Hard to tell_

Cas hated this, he hated feeling like he was disposable all the time. He stared at his crumpled sheets and took a deep breath. Letting it out he grabbed a corner and began the work of stripping the bed of its dirty sheets. When he shoved them into the top of the washer he was overwhelmed with the scent of Dean and he started to shake. Yet again he was the one left behind to deal with the mess that the Winchester had left behind.

"Sorry I can't stay longer." the deep gravel voice of Dean washed over Cas and he let it push down the shame he was fighting at the moment. He was still sweaty and sated from their tryst but Dean was buttoning up his jeans and grabbing his jacket.

"Its ok." Cas said throwing an arm over his eyes so Dean wouldn't be able to see the lie.

"I'll text you later." Dean said laying a quick good bye kiss on Cas's lips before leaving. Cas lay there and when he heard the Impala's deep growl pull out of his driveway he let the first tear slip.

"I've needed this." Dean sighed as Cas kissed his way down his flat stomach and into the waist band of his boxers.

"No talking." Cas instructed him, his heart not being able to take that right now. When it was just physical, no emotions, he could compartmentalize and he could survive this.

He pulled the underwear down just enough to wrap his lips around Dean's hard length. The soft skin was a wonderful contrast to the hardness of his erection. Cas hummed and swallowed him down as far as he could. Dean growled his pleasure and sank his fingers in the soft dark hair on Cas's head. The light pull directed Cas to go slower or faster, depending on how Dean was feeling. It was familiar and Cas clung to the familiarity of it. He could do this, he could give Dean what he needed. And if he destroyed himself in the process? It was just the price to pay to be what Dean wanted him to be.

"Lisa will be back tonight." Dean said as he handed Cas the joint they were sharing. Cas took a deep long draw before holding the smoke in his lungs. Letting it out slowly he glanced at Dean.

"And?" Cas asked letting the minute high wash over him. It wasn't near the high he wanted but he couldn't go there now, not ever again.

"And I probably won't be able to get back for a few days." Dean shrugged. Cas nodded but refused to show anything. Let Dean think he was just fine with being the "other woman".

"I wish I could…" Dean's words trailed off as Cas passed him back the joint.

"Me too." Cas smiled at him weakly. He was already pushing his mind ahead to the things he had to do when Dean left. First it was the sheets that needed to be changed, then it was on to a hot shower to wash away Dean's smell.

"Some day I promise." Dean said leaning over to lay a quick kiss on his cheek. Cas didn't even bother to acknowledge that statement. It was a lie he was used to hearing now. They both knew it would never happen.

"I've got to go. I need to clean up and get Ben from school before Lisa's plane gets in." Dean said pushing up from the bed. Cas admired the way the muscles in his ass clenched with his movements and he couldn't resist reaching out to pinch one. Dean yelped and gave him a saucy smile over his shoulder.

"Are you sure?" Cas asked Sam as they went for their jog around the gym track. The university let the staff use it for free and they used it quite often in the dreary Seattle weather.

"Yeah, apparently Ben's father wanted to come back into the picture. Lisa said she had to at least try, for Ben." Sam explained.

"And Dean?" Cas asked trying to stay impartial to the subject.

"He's not happy as you'd expect. He's raised that kid for the past two years and now he's expected to just walk away and let this other guy come in. Its hard." Sam sighed. Sam slowed to a walk and Cas pulled up beside him.

"Is he ok?" Cas asked pretending he hadn't gotten a bunch of drunken text messages all last night.

"You know how he copes." Sam said unhappily. Of course he wouldn't be happy with Dean going back to the bottle instead of dealing with his emotions. When you watch your father drink himself to death its a little hard to accept it from your older brother. Sam looked worn and worried.

"I'll keep an eye on him if that'll help Sam. I know you're busy with Jess and the baby." Cas offered.

"That…that would be great Cas." Sam gave him a grateful smile. "But you don't have to. Its not your job any more."

"Come on, we've got to shower before class." Cas said trying to distract the tall man from his troubles.

"The fuck you doing here?" Dean slurred as Cas pushed open the door and walked on in his house like he lived there. Not any more Cas thought sarcastically to himself.

"Taking care of you because Sam is worried." Cas said shutting the door behind him and looking around. The house was a big mess of empty liquor bottles and pizza boxes.

"Don't need your help, or Sam's. Don't need any one." Dean stumbled back into the living room to flop onto the sofa.

"Of course." Cas sighed picking up the bottles and placing them on the island counter. He grabbed a few of the pizza boxes and piled them on the full garbage can.

"Don't need you." Dean said and Cas froze. He shook himself and went on cleaning up as best he could.

"When was the last time you ate something besides stale pizza?" Cas asked and Dean's shoulders shrugged off the sofa.

"I'm going to make some eggs and you're going to eat." Cas told him but Dean ignored him. Cas went to the fridge and dug around for ingredients.

By the time the eggs were ready Dean was sitting on the sofa glaring at the kitchen.

"Come on." Cas said pouring up some juice to lay on the table with the plate. Dean growled but pushed himself up and sat down in front of his meal. No words were exchanged as Cas went about cleaning up the kitchen and then taking out the garbage and recycling. When he was finally done Dean had eaten all his eggs and was scrounging in the fridge for something else.

"I can run to the store." Cas offered but Dean shook his head.

"I'm not helpless." he said standing and slamming the door. Cas jumped at the unexpected noise.

"I'm just trying to help Dean." he said as Dean advanced on him with angry eyes.

"Well you can't help!" he yelled hitting the wall behind Cas's head. Cas held himself still.

"You can't help and you shouldn't be here Cas. I've screwed you up enough in the ten years you've known me. You should be screaming at me, you should be kicking my ass. You should be slamming your door in my face every time I come knocking. Or loosing my number or blocking me." Dean raged not moving his green eyes from Cas's blues.

"I'd never do that." Cas whispered and Dean shut his eyes to take in a deep breath.

"Why Cas? Why?" he asked dropping his hand and slumping his shoulders.

"You know why." Cas said finally moving. He pushed Dean back enough so that he could go the fridge and start taking out things to make dinner. If Dean was still hungry then he'd feed him. He could do this.

"Say it." Dean said from the spot he hadn't moved from. Cas's shoulders tensed but he ignored the statement.

"Castiel, say it." Dean said and this time he was right behind Cas. Cas shook his head. Dean grabbed him around the waist and spun him so that he had him pinned to the counter.

"Say it Cas, I need to hear you say it." Dean pleaded and his lips were mere inches from Cas's.

"I won't say it Dean." Cas breathed out starting to get angry.

"Why not?" Dean asked and he was leaning in closer.

"Because you don't deserve it."

Ben still came over, Cas saw his bike at the house as he drove home from work. That was good, Dean still needed someone in his life that would make him feel like a role model. Sammy was all grown up and had a family of his own now and that had left a large chunk in Dean's armour. Hopefully Ben would help.

Cas pulled in to his driveway and instead of going inside to drop his trench coat and bag he walked back around to the garden. This was his paradise, his escape from the world that seemed intent on knocking him down and out. It was the main reason he had bought this house when his life had fallen apart three years ago. The sun was high in the sky still and Cas shrugged off his coat. He rolled up his sleeves and got to work weeding the garden like he had planned. The work made him sweat and he knew he'd have to send his shirt for dry cleaning to get out the stains. But he didn't care.

When he sat back and admired his work he saw a few bees buzzing around the chrysanthemums. They were fat and fuzzy and Cas smiled.

"Its good to see you smile." came the voice from his gate. Cas looked over his shoulder at Meg and his smile dropped.

"What do you want?" he asked his neighbour. He was being unusually gruff but he had just wanted to be with his flowers today. His flowers and his bees.

"Dean just dropped something on your step, I thought you'd like to know Clarence." she said holding up an envelope and smirking. Meg didn't like Dean, and Cas knew exactly why but he refused to acknowledge the feelings she had professed.

"Thank you." Cas said standing and wiping his hands in his pants. More dirt that he didn't care about. He took the envelope and Meg watched him impatiently.

"And?" Cas asked her refusing to open the envelope in front of her.

"You're no fun." Meg rolled her eyes but stepped back and started to walk back to her own house. Cas made sure she was out of sight before he went back to his garden. He sat in the midst of the flowers and bees and opened the plain unmarked envelope. He pulled out the large stack of papers and almost dropped them in the dirt.

Cas pushed them back inside quickly and rushed into the house. He grabbed the phone and before he knew it he was dialing Sam's work number.

"Hello?" Sam asked quickly picking up.

"He signed them." Cas said fighting the tears that wanted to come, either from happiness or sadness he still wasn't sure.

"Signed what? Who?" Sam asked obviously distracted.

"Dean, he signed our divorce papers Sam."


	16. Chapter 16

**_Talk Too Much by Coin_**

 _You know I talk too much_

 _Honey, come put your lips on mine_

 _And shut me up_

 _We could blame it all on human nature_

 _Stay cool, it's just a kiss_

 _Oh, why you gotta be so talkative?_

 _I talk too much, we talk too much_

' _Why was he talking so much? I mean here we are in my closed up quiet cafe, no one staring at us, a cozy little sofa under our asses, and he just…won't…shut…up!_

 _When Sam asked me out I was a little hesitant, cause well, he's gorgeous and smart and funny and shy and I loved all of it. But now that we're on our actual date he seems so nervous and that's also really cute. Maybe he hasn't dated much? But how can that be? Look at him! Tall, long hair you can really wrap your hands in, deep hazel eyes that look right into your soul…oh my god I want him. But maybe he doesn't know what to do on a date? Could Sam really be so unused to dating?_

 _And now he's talking about his brother again. I swear there's no way Dean could be as awesome and Sam makes him out to be. Its just a little older brother hero worship right? Of course now he's talking about Dean he's also talking about the other one, Castiel. What kind of name is Castiel? He mentioned its an angel name so maybe he's from a weird religious cult family? Either way its interesting the way Sam talks about the two. I think they might be in love with each other but Sam hasn't come right out and said so. Are they together? Hmmm, that would be so cool. Maybe I could introduce them to my gay friends Dan and Micheal, they haven't had another couple to do things with in ages._

 _Ok, wait, he just asked a question. What made me want to open my cafe? He mentioned Stanford pre-law but dropped out due to his family. Are they not into education? Is Sam going to go back and get his degree? He seems way too rugged to be a lawyer. Like some sexy lumberjack that I just want to climb…wait, too early to think like that. Calm down girl, its your first date. Maybe he's a traditional guy, wants to wait until he knows you or something. But he said he's only in town for a few days. What the hell does he want from me cause if he keeps peeking at me from under his lashes I might just jump his bones here and now in the coffee shop._

 _God that scruff is hot. I wonder what he looks like in the morning? I bet his hair is crazy and all over the place. Like sex hair….oh god don't think about Sam and sex hair cause its been WAY too long for you girl. I wonder if he's dominating in the bedroom? He kinda looks like he'd be a big ol' pussy cat but looks can be deceiving. Like who knew you'd like being tied up and tied down? Oh god, stop thinking about sex!_

 _He looks like he's running out of things to say. Maybe he's getting bored? Maybe he's waiting to make a move? Should I sit a little closer? Should I put my hand on his arm? Christ, since when did I act like a virgin scared to death of boys? Well, since Sam fucking Winchester came into my shop looking like 8 fucking feet of sex god, that's when._

 _Fuck it, I'm going to make a move…soon…maybe?'_

"Grace?" Sam asked looking at the petite brunette who was watching him avidly. He loved the way her dark brown eyes took in all of him, like she was wondering what was on he inside. It had been a long time since a girl had looked at him like that. Usually it was drunken bar girls who wanted to get their kicks and hit the road. Kinda like Dean used to me. But Grace, she was kinda shy. And seemed so smart and easy to talk to.

In the blink of an eye Grace had moved from her side of the little sofa to Sam's lap. She grabbed his face and planted her lips on his in a soft, nervous kiss. Sam, glad he had put down his coffee cup, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back eagerly. Her lips were soft and warm and the kiss deepened so that Sam's tongue licked inside of her mouth. She straddled his waist and trailed her hands into his hair like she had been thinking about doing since she had first seen him. Sam moaned into her mouth and she found herself grinding on him. Oh my god he felt amazing.

"Sam…" she panted as she pulled back to look at his lust blown eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked just as breathless.

"You talk too much."


	17. Chapter 17

**_Simple Man by Jason Manns & Jensen Ackles_**

*I know this isn't the original version but its the version that inspired this song

 _Mama told me when I was young_

 _"Come sit beside me, my only son_

 _And listen closely to what I say_

 _And if you do this it'll help you some sunny day"_

 _"Oh, take your time, don't live too fast_

 _Troubles will come and they will pass_

 _You'll find a woman and you'll find love_

 _And don't forget, son, there is someone up above"_

 _"And be a simple kind of man_

 _Oh, be something you love and understand_

 _Baby be a simple kind of man_

 _Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"_

 _"Forget your lust for the rich man's gold_

 _All that you need is in your soul_

 _And you can do this, oh baby, if you try_

 _All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"_

 _"And be a simple kind of man_

 _Oh, be something you love and understand_

 _Baby be a simple kind of man_

 _Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"_

 _Oh yes, I will_

 _"Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself_

 _Follow your heart and nothing else_

 _And you can do this, oh baby, if you try_

 _All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied"_

 _"And be a simple kind of man_

 _Oh, be something you love and understand_

 _Baby be a simple kind of man_

 _Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can"_

 _Baby, be a simple, really simple man_

 _Oh, be something you love and understand_

The sun was setting and for once Dean was watching it go down with a sense of accomplishment instead of regret. There was so much Dean regretted in his life but today he put all that away and let his happiness take over. He slowly drank the beer in his hand and let the fleeing sunlight warm his face.

"Hey Dad." came the voice of his son. Dean glanced over his shoulder at the boy with a smile.

"Hey kid, whats up?" he asked as Robby sat down next to him. The kid had Dean's light brown hair and freckles but he had his Mom's deep brown eyes. Eyes like an angel.

"Not much, just thought I'd join you." the pre-teen said smiling at his father.

"Is this where I give you life lessons and we talk about girls?" Dean teased the kid and Robby let out the chuckle that sounded exactly like his father.

"Nah, Mom already gave me that talk." Robby said and Dean almost choked on his beer. Damn, where had he been when that talk took place?

"So whats on your mind kid?" he asked putting his beer down between his dirty work boots.

"Where do you go Dad?" Robby asked in a quiet voice. It was an innocent question but they both knew it was going to be a hard answer.

"Well Robby, that's a long story." Dean sighed. He squinted at the setting sun and tried to soak up the last bit of warmth he could.

"I know you used to go away with Uncle Sam and Uncle Cas but only you came home last time. Please, I need to know." Robby pleaded. He was an annoying smart kid sometimes Dean thought to himself.

"Did your Mom ever tell you what me and your Uncles do Robby?" Dean asked the kid.

"Sure, you hunt monsters. Just like your Mom and Dad did, and hers. Its a long tradition." Robby said proudly.

"One I don't want you continuing." Dean said quickly. Robby looked at him confused.

"I want you to listen to me kid and I want you to actually hear what I'm saying. Got it?" Robby shook his head all rapt attention to his father for once.

"Hunting monsters is what me and your Uncle Sammy have done since we were kids, younger then you and your sister even. But it isn't what I want for you kids. I want you to live your life Robby. Go to school, as boring as it may seem, and get good grades. Graduate, go to college and get a job. I know its not as exciting as what I do but trust me kid exciting is highly over rated. I want to grow old seeing you work, fall in love and live a normal life. I want you to get a pretty wife who makes you crazy, like your mom. I want to see my grandkids, I want to be there when they're born and I want to be there when they get their own lives. I never, ever want you to sleep in a crappy motel room or wonder if you're going to live to see sunrise. I want you to have everything that me and Sammy didn't. Do you hear me kid?" Dean put his arm around Robby and pulled him close.

"Hunting monsters may be a family legacy but it isn't one I want to pass on. Hunting dies with me Robby, promise me this." Dean said and Robby just looked into his father's deep green eyes. He saw all the regret, all the pain and all the sorrow they held and shook his head.

"Yeah, I can do that Dad." he assured his father.

"Hunting killed my Mom and Dad. Hunting killed your Uncle Sam and your Uncle Cas. Now we both know Cas is up there in Heaven winging on but he still died down here." Dean said looking towards the bottom of the clouds that the sunset had painted a brilliant orange. "Hunting will not kill another person I love Robby."

"What about the monsters Dad?" Robby asked putting his face against his father's chest.

"The monsters will still be there Robby. Its not your job to worry about them. There are plenty of other hunters out there." Dean said scrubbing his hand over his face. He knew that the world expected a Winchester to keep on killing but he'd be damned if he let it happen. He had two kids and he'd do everything in his power to make sure they never picked up a blade or gun. Which was why they had their mother's last name and no tie to him at all. It was safer for the world not to know Dean Winchester had people he cared about.

"What if they get you Dad?" Robby asked the one question that haunted him every time his Dad went away.

"Then its the way I go Robby. Never, ever think you have to avenge me or whatever stupid crap your Mom might tell you. She's from a hunting family and she got her own notions. But promise me you'll listen to my wishes kid. No hunting." Dean said squeezing the boy a little tighter.

"And Jess?" Robby asked about his sister.

"I'll give Jess this talk too kid, don't you worry. I don't care if I got to make a deal with Crowley or Lucifer himself, you or your sister will never be hunters." Dean said only then realizing just how much he meant it.

"How can I live a normal life knowing whats out there Dad?" Robby asked looking down at his feet. It was a question he thought about a lot and he wasn't quite old enough to be able to answer it himself.

"Because your happiness means more to me then anyone else's. Its time we started being a little selfish Robby." Dean said glancing down and giving the kid a smile. This was a heavy talk and he didn't want to weigh him down with grown up thoughts just yet. He was still a kid and he should be able to think kid thoughts.

"Alight Dad." Robby said finally after thinking it over. If his Dad wanted him to be normal then he'd at least try. "But you know Jess isn't going to roll over as easy as I do."

Dean let out a light chuckle but the more he laughed the louder it got. Soon him and Robby were letting out deep belly laughs which brought Robby's mother to the door.

"Everything ok out here you hyenas?" she asked with a smile to her son. Dean looked back at her with laughter still on his lips.

"Yeah, yeah we're good Beth." Dean said hugging his son against him again before letting the boy go. Robby ran past his mom who watched after him lovingly.

"Want to tell me what that's about?" Beth asked coming and joining Dean on the stairs of her back porch. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a bun but there were a few strands falling freely around her lovely face. Dean reached over to tuck them behind her ear.

"Just giving some life lessons Beth." he said as she nudged him with her shoulder. They might not be together but they still loved each other dearly. They had two kids together and that meant more to them both then any ring could.

"Not planning on running off just yet are you Winchester?" Beth asked him with a sparkle of mischief in her eye.

"No mame." Dean smirked at her. He reached over to put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to his side.

"Good because your daughter has made you a pie."

"By herself?" Dean asked wearily. He remembered all too well the last pie that Jess had made for him, and his stomach clenched at the memory.

"She's eight and very proud of herself Dean. At least try it?" Beth chided him.

"Daddy, Daddy, come on, I made a strawberry pie!" came the vibrant voice of his daughter from the kitchen. Dean braced himself, and his stomach, and smiled to Beth.

"Mmmmmm, strawberry, my favourite!" he said with a small wink before pulling himself off the stairs and going to the kitchen where the little brown haired girl was holding out a plate to him proudly.

"You got to watch for the green though, I kinda forgot to take them off the strawberries." she said and Dean saw one stalk sticking out of the piece of pie she had cut. Ah hell, he had lived off of burgers and diner grease for 30+ years, surely his daughters baking wouldn't kill him…would it?


	18. Chapter 18

**_Hermit The Frog by Marina and the Diamonds_**

 _Yeah I feel it coming on_

 _When I've been static for too long_

 _And an explosion comes in time_

 _Before I go and cross the line_

 _They say you used to be so kind_

 _I never knew you had such a dirty mind_

 _Well, I went to the doctors believing_

 _The devil had control over me and_

 _I was finding it hard to breath in_

 _Finding it hard to fight the feeling_

 _When my heart just burst like a glass balloon_

 _I let it fly too high and shattered too soon_

 _I was the wrong damn girl in the wrong damn room_

 _I broke my glass balloon_

 _I let go of my glass balloon_

She was absolutely crazy and absolutely breathtaking in that craziness. The way she smiled while covered in blood was both horrifying to him and mesmerizing. When she danced naked in the moonlight, celebrating death he feared for his life but he couldn't even contemplate running. She was his beginning and his end and he was eagerly going towards the darkness.

Sam had found the girl in a bar, her hair as black as night and her eyes the color of storm clouds. He had heard Dean wax poetic about Cas's sky blue eyes but he knew they didn't compare to the hard grey of his little killer. She was everything he had never wanted and now he couldn't even think about being without her. She had been the first to approach but she had been targeting the angel not him. Dean was quick to inform her of her mistake so her eyes travelled over to Sam's tall lean frame. Her eyes darkened and she licked her lips. At that very tiny motion she caught his heart and now he would follow her to hell and back.

Dean wasn't happy, he was never happy when Sam gained something outside of themselves. But Sam had followed after Marina happily when she asked him to join her on the road. The Impala or her little red Chevy, what was the difference? So he had bid farewell to his family and when she passed him the keys he smiled. He still didn't know at the time, not entirely, but he had an idea. She would disappear for hours and come home intoxicated on some high he couldn't name.

"Marina, where do you go?" he asked her one night after a vigorous round of sex. He lay panting in the bed while she danced around the room to a tune only she could hear. She was smiling widely and her eyes were wild.

"Everywhere, no where." she replied with a smirk.

"Are you a demon?" he asked her unable to even raise his head with the question.

"No my love." she said not finding the question odd at all.

"Good." he sighed and let his eyes slide closed.

But the next time Sam followed her. He had years of hunting under his belt and knew how to follow without being seen. Or so he had thought. There was no way he could have ever followed her if she didn't want to be followed. She was like the night, dark and silent in her pursuit of prey. It wasn't until she had her victim drugged and chained that she looked over her shoulder. Sam ducked behind a beam in the large room to hide and she started her work while humming a song.

He had watched as she pulled a long thin blade from her boot and began to carve into the man in front of her. He started to wake and she taped his mouth shut. Sam didn't miss the way she shivered in delight when he did let out a scream though. He felt sick but at the same time he had known hadn't he? He was always drawn to evil, hell he was teetering on that edge himself. But could he just stand here and let this happen?

"Sammmmmmy…" her voice was light and teasing as she drew her blade along the man's jawline. Blood welled and spilt and she giggled.

"Why Marina?" he asked stepping closer to see her smearing the dark liquid between her fingers.

"Because I can." she shrugged and his conscious gave a shudder.

"This is wrong." he said but didn't move to stop her.

"Why?" she asked tilting her head in his direction. It reminded him of the angel.

"Because human life isn't something you should play with." he lectured her but it felt hollow even as he said it. How many human lives had he and his brother taken in the hunt?

"Oh Sammy." she sighed and the man screamed behind his gag. Sighing she shoved the knife in his neck killing him instantly.

"Life is nothing, something they tell us to coddle and protect. But what's the point if we're so hollow we feel nothing?" she asked walking over to him. Her hips swayed in the tight jeans she wore and he licked his lips.

"You have no right." he said quietly.

"I have every right." she said leaning up to press her lips to his. He groaned at her taste, the feel of her lips intoxicating. He sighed and his eyes slid shut.

"I take the right Sam, I demand the right. This little tiny body is all they see and they let themselves get taken." she explained as he kissed down her neck and nibbled her shoulder.

"You're insane." he said but he was addicted to her.

"Yes." she sighed as he slid the shirt from her shoulders and kissed his way down her chest. He sank to his knees in front of her.

"But you like it don't you Sammy, because we're the same kind of crazy aren't we baby?" she pleaded running her bloody hands through his long hair.

"God help me but yes." he sighed while nipping at her stomach.

"Good boy Sam." she grinned.

It wasn't long after that she asked him to join her. She wanted bigger and badder prey and she couldn't do it all herself. He hesitated, he wasn't a killer, but in the end he followed her and he carried the body she chose. Because he was a good boy.

The first time he had to stop her before she did too much damage. It was easy to dispose of a body, it wasn't easy to clean up the mess she was creating. She sulked and pouted but listened. Then she had scrubbed his body clean in a steaming hot shower. She slid the soap over every inch of his skin trailed by her kisses and tongue. She praised him of his strength and his obedience and he melted into her touch.

The next time she begged him to join her. Had panted with desire while he sank the blade into the victims chest. He refused to carve them up like she wanted. He might be a killer but he wasn't a torturer. This time she didn't wait to get rid of the body instead riding him in the same room as the cooling body. He has thrown up that time, his own sense of decency burning its way up his throat and onto the floor.

But the third time, she had guided his hand while showing him where to cut. She cooed and praised as he drew blood to the surface of the screaming man. It was always men, she refused to even look at a woman. When Sam finally handed her the knife to finish the job she locked eyes with him and didn't blink as she drew it across the man's throat slowly. She stripped while the man still struggled against death and Sam fucked her into the cold concrete, demanding control this time. And she gave it easily, telling him the entire time how good he was to her, how much she loved him.

But this wasn't love, this was insanity and it wasn't long before his brother was calling him to warn him. The FBI was close and Dean wouldn't let him get caught even if he was a monster now. So he had packed up Marina and fled to somewhere quiet and safe until the heat died down. Sam was good at running and hiding, had been doing it his entire life. Marina pouted and paced the cabin but she didn't argue.

"I need it Sam." she moaned against him one night as her body closed around him wet and warm.

"No." he said thrusting up into her. She threw her head back and let him sink teeth into her pale perfect skin. Blood welled to the surface but just left a bruise rather then spill. Sam enjoyed marking her, claiming her as his own.

"Please Sammy, please." she begged as she rode him. Her hands tangled in his hair and she called out his name again and again.

"Its too dangerous." he argued though his brain was loosing the ability to think.

"I won't get caught Sam, I promise…I need it baby." she continued but he shut her up with his mouth.

"I won't loose you Marina, I can't." Sam said when it was over and they lay together sated and sleepy.

"I'll never leave you Sam, I love you." she soothed him with a kiss.

So when she left the next night Sam knew. He knew what she was doing and he let her go anyway. He didn't join her, he knew he drew more attention to her then she needed, but he didn't leave the window until he saw her thin frame sauntering up the driveway with a satisfied smile on her face. That night he fucked her roughly, forcing her to admit how stupid she had been. But it didn't matter, she needed the kill.

"You got to get away from her Sammy." Dean was pleading in his ear as they drove some highway in some state. Sam didn't know where they were any more, none of that mattered as long as he had her next to him. Like right now when she had her head buried in his lap. She licked and sucked at him while he drove and tried to concentrate on what his big brother was saying.

"I can't do that Dean." he replied as she hollowed her cheeks and sucked him in greedily.

"She's going to get you killed Sam." Dean was almost screaming into the phone.

"Where's Cas?" Sam asked him trying to change the topic. But really, what else was there for him to say?

"He's here, he's worried about you too Sam. Just come home man." Dean begged.

"I'll see you soon Dean, take care of yourself." he said hanging up the phone and throwing it out the window. It shattered on the pavement and Sam put his hand on Marina's head pushing her further down.

It ended as Sam always knew it would, in a pool of blood. But he didn't expect his own brother to be the cause of it.

They had been in some little New England town when Dean caught up with them. Sam had no idea how he had found him, probably used some angelic mojo or demon deal. But he had burst in to their hotel room to find them naked and writhing together.

"Get dressed Sam." he said grabbing Sam's pants and throwing them in his direction.

"Go away Dean." Sam had growled attempting to cover up Marina. But she just glared at his brother as she stood. Her naked body was beautiful to Sam and he felt the deep flare of jealousy that his brother was getting to see it too.

"Yes Dean, go away. He doesn't need you any more, he has me now." she said flaunting her nudity at the older Winchester. Her body was her first weapon and one she had wielded to her advantage since she first knew what happened when she did.

"You are one crazy bitch, even worse then the demon he used to fuck." Dean sneered at her.

"Why does everyone tell me I'm crazy like I don't know?" she sighed letting her hands trail over the leather of Dean's coat. Sam growled but she ignored him.

"What is wrong with you lady?" Dean asked as her hands found their way into his coat.

"I know what I want and I take it." she stood on her tip toes to nudge Dean's nose with her own. Sam jumped up from the bed in anger. No one touched her but him and Dean was only lucky he was holding back.

"You kill for fun and that ain't right." Dean replied but his voice was dropping the closer she got to him. Now she had her chest pressed tight to his and was licking along his pouty lips.

"Oh its all kinds of right Dean, you should try it some time. But then again, maybe you already have?" she asked pulling back slightly to smirk at him. His eyes narrowed in anger but she just laughed. A deep rolling laugh that echoed in the cheap motel room.

"What are you doing Marina?" Sam asked as he could do nothing but watch her.

"Well if one Winchester is good then two must be better right Sammy? Wouldn't you love to have your brother back? Joining us on the road just like when you were kids?" she asked as her hand dipped below Dean's waist. Sam stepped up and tried to pull her away but she shrugged off his hand.

"Wouldn't you like to be back with your brother Dean? Taking care of little Sammy again?" she asked in a whisper against his mouth. Dean's eyes were closed by now and he had a haunted look of need on his face.

"Marina!" Sam yelled and she chuckled. When she pulled away from Dean she had his long hunting knife in her hand.

"Come on Sam, you know you're the only one for me." she said pointing the knife at a very surprised Dean. His eyes were narrowed on the blade.

"Don't Marina, please." Sam begged her as she tailed the blade down Dean's shirt cutting it open as she went.

"He's trying to take you away from me Sammy." she said and there was anger in her voice now.

"I won't leave Marina, just please don't hurt Dean." Sam pleaded stepping up to press into her back.

"He won't leave us alone Sam, the only way to keep you is to get rid of him." she said and the point of the knife sank into Dean's chest. He hissed but it wasn't a deep wound, just a warning.

"He'll leave us alone Marina, won't you Dean? You'll go and you'll stop looking for me. Right?" Sam asked his brother.

"I can't do that Sammy." Dean said even through the pain. He was glaring at the Marina.

"See Sam, he doesn't want you happy, he wants you obedient. But I'm the only one you obey right baby?" she asked with so much fear in her voice. She was as afraid of loosing him as he was of her.

"Please Marina, don't do this." Sam begged and now tears were filling his eyes. He knew how this had to end but he didn't know which one it would be. Either way Sam was breaking and he didn't know if he could be put back together after this.

"I can't let you kill him Marina." Sam said and sank the knife into her back. Marina gasped, her hands fluttering up to her chest to where the blade had emerged. It was the blade she had bought Sam to celebrate his first kill. It was long and slender and meant to do exactly what he was using it for.

"Sammy…" she sighed as he pulled it out and she fell to the floor. Her eyes were already vacant and her blood spread out around her.

"Sam, Sam are you with me Sam?" Dean's voice was coming from far away. Sam looked from the girl on the floor to his brother but didn't actually register any of it. All he felt was the warmth of the blood pooling around his toes.

"Cas, I need you Cas." Dean was praying and the angel fluttered in behind him.

"What happened?" Castiel asked looking to the body on the floor.

"Later, now I need you to help me with him." Dean said grabbing Sam's clothes and trying to force them on him. But Sam was numb, completely and utterly unaware of anything but the sudden hole in his chest.

"Its ok Sammy, I've got you now. I'll protect you." Dean was saying as he led him from the room. He had his pants on some how and he knew Cas was back in the room doing clean up. He knew all this but he didn't register any of it.

"Alright Sam, lets get you home." Dean said starting up the car and pulling away from the motel.


	19. Chapter 19

**Sugar Queen by Band of Heathens**

 _Yea, you fallin off her hips_

 _Wishing you was in her jeans_

 _She never talk too much_

 _But she just know what she'd say_

 _She got space in her teeth_

 _Where she hides her words away_

 _She knows she looking good_

 _She don't care if she's understood_

 _Yea, she even talks dirty when she's on her knees to pray_

 _Swinging from a cage, acting half her age_

 _No time for games, she know just what she needs_

 _(knows just what she needs)_

 _She went looking for another man_

 _And she found him where I stand_

 _I love that sugar, love my sugar queen_

 _Yea, the people start talking when she walking on down the street_

 _Dropping them jaws with every single one she meets_

 _She likes to get her thrills_

 _On the edge of the window sill_

 _All the people gather round but she coming home with me_

 _Oh yea, I love my sugar, love my sugar queen_

 _Yea, I love my sugar, love my sugar queen_

 _Swinging from a cage, acting half her age_

 _No time for games, she know just what she need_

 _(know just what she need)_

 _You know she looks so good in fur_

 _You got to hear that pussycat purr_

 _Oh I love that sugar, love my sugar queen_

"Wow." Dean said eyeing up the woman who was dancing on the floor in front of them. Sam was just as interested but he knew when Dean had his eye on a woman then it was best for him to step back. Older brother dibs and all that. So as much as he wanted the woman who was currently drawing the attention of half the bar just with her hips he turned away and ordered a drink.

"I tell ya Sammy, older women, they just got something the kids don't." Dean smirked as he turned back around to join his brother.

"Its called experience Dean." Sam replied shortly. He didn't want to think about the woman, not when Dean had his eye on her. It was best to push her out of his mind. Even if he was already day dreaming about those dark brown locks wrapped around his hand as he…ok, no, not thinking about it.

"I mean, I'm not saying she's old, but she sure looks like she knows what she wants." Dean continued.

"She's not a teenager if that's what you mean." Sam said knowing his brother wouldn't let this rest. God damn it, how did they end up in a bar with her? Why couldn't they have gone to that college bar down the road where Dean would have picked up some co-ed and he could have gone back to the motel room in peace? Now he had to watch as Dean hit on the woman here. And she'd probably lap it right up cause god knows every woman did. Dean just had a way with them, a gene that seemed to skip right over Sam. He tended to get bogged down with feelings and words and jesus he hated himself right about now.

"She's coming over." Dean elbowed his brother and Sam looked over his shoulder to see that indeed the woman was sauntering her way over to the bar. She was wearing very tight low hanging jeans with a random band tank top that showed off every damn curve she had and Sam had to stop himself from drooling. Her hips swayed dangerously and men were flocking to her side. She ignored every one of them and went straight to the bar.

"Can I buy you a drink?" Dean said as soon as her ass hit the bar stool. She glanced over at him and Sam caught sight of dark brown eyes as she looked him up and down. Her lips were in a thin line like she was so used to this bullshit and tired of it already. But then her eyes flicked over Dean's shoulder to him and he found himself straightening up to his full height even though he just wanted to crawl in to the corner and hide.

"Sorry short stuff, but when I'm thirsty I'm looking for a tall drink." she said in a voice that was laced with whiskey and cigarettes. Sam's body stood at full attention and he grinned at her.

"Oh, well alright, I'll leave you to it then. Here's the keys to Baby Sammy, have a good night now." Dean said slapping his brother on the shoulder and walking away to find another conquest. Then Sam was left at the bar with her.

"I'm Sam." he said introducing himself as she slid over to stand in front of him. God she was beautiful and dangerous, just the combination Sam liked.

"You can call me Sugar." she said reaching out to grab Sam's drink and throw it back. She slammed the glass back on the bar and then grabbed Sam's hand. She began pulling him towards the door and Sam followed with a big stupid grin on his face. He didn't notice that over half the bar was glaring in his direction.

Sugar didn't say another word even as Sam showed her the Impala and she climbed inside. He got in the driver seat and waited for instructions.

"Here's my address." She said throwing her phone into the seat next to him and Sam instantly hardened again. It was surprising he could think with all the sudden blood rushing to his crotch. He looked at the directions and then they were off. Sugar grinned as she took her phone back and slid it into her pocket.

"So, uh, I guess you're from around here?" Sam asked trying to lighten the atmosphere in the car.

"Now honey we don't need to bother with all this small talk do we?" she said looking over at him saucily. Sam shook his head and shut up. The drive was quick and by the time he parked the car in her driveway she was already out of the car and heading towards the door. Sam locked up the Impala, because Dean would have a shit fit if he found out his didn't, and followed numbly.

As soon as the door was shut he was shoved up against it and Sugar was climbing him like a redwood. She gave a little jump and Sam barely had time to grab onto her ass as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her lips, her soft delicious lips, were then pressed against Sam's and he was kissing her back. Tongues began to slide against each other and Sam turned them so that she was pressed against the door instead. Her nails were digging down his back and Sam growled into her mouth.

"Bedroom?" Sam gasped as he pulled back for a breath. Sugar was trying to work his coat off and he was struggling not to drop her. Instead he pressed against her hips and pinned her to the walls with his own. Then she was able to strip him bare on top while he did the same. Her bra was a black silky thing Sam would be sure to appreciate if he hadn't been so damn desperate to get it off.

"I'll buy you a new one." he finally said and ripped the straps to get it off. Sugar laughed and that went straight to Sam's crotch too. He was finally able to get his mouth on her tits and she moaned letting her head fall back against the wall. He pushed aside the long silver chain she wore so that he could suck and lick his way from one tip to the other and his hips were thrusting against hers all on their own. He was so hard it hurt.

"First door on the left." Sugar breathed as she wrapped her fingers in his long hair and pulled. Sam loved the tingle that left behind and waited until she did it again. This time he stood up and carried Sugar to her room.

He tried to drop her onto the bed but she dragged him down with her and he ended up on top of her with her tongue in his mouth again. Not that he was complaining, christ that woman could kiss. Her hands were all over him, his shoulders, his back and then into his jeans and squeezing his ass.

"Oh darling, what an ass." she sighed against his mouth and Sam smiled.

"Take off these damn pants." Sam demanded trying to get her chain belt off and failing. Sugar let out a laugh and Sam eased back so that they could both strip off. When he looked back at her she was completely naked and laying on the bed looking up at him from her elbows. She was delicious and Sam didn't know if he had ever been harder in his life.

"My god." he breathed out as he lay down over her again. Sugar just smiled, reached down and smacked his ass. He pushed himself back on his knees to run his hands over her legs.

"Come on sweetie, don't keep me waiting." she teased him by running her hands down her taut belly. His eyes tracked it closely and he licked his lips.

"Want to taste you." he mumbled before dropping to kiss along her belly. Sugar let out a little growl and it stoked his fire even hotter. He licked along her sharp hip bones and she began to pant a little. Good to know he was affecting her as much as she was him.

"Come on Sam, don't be a tease." she urged him on and with no further warning he practically dove in between her legs. Sugar cried out as he licked her wetly. Sam groaned low in his throat, god she tasted so damn good! He licked and sucked at her eagerly all the while Sugar panted and writhed in under him. He pinned her hips down with his large hands and Sugar fisted her hands in his hair. He mouthed and nibbled until Sugar was screaming and quivering in under his mouth. With one last swipe of his tongue Sam brought Sugar to her orgasm. She trapped his head between her thighs as she arched high off the bed and screamed his name to the ceiling. When she finally came down she was panting hard and had the sexiest grin on her face that Sam had ever seen.

"Wow." Sam said crawling up her body where he just stared at her with a sense of pride on his face.

"Oh get that smirk off your lips Sam. My turn." Sugar said and with no more warning she rolled over to straddle Sam and pin him to the bed with her hips. Sam moaned as he felt how wet and hot she was against him.

"Think you're the only one with oral talents do ya darling?" Sugar kissed him quickly before moving down his body. Sam was hard and awaiting her attention but she teased him by stopping to nip at his hip bones along the way.

"Christ!" Sam cursed as she wrapped her fingers around him and squeezed none too gently. It was like she knew, just some how knew, that Sam was never one for being tender in the sack. Maybe once, with Jessica, he may have been but now it was about dominance and aggression.

Sugar pulled him out of his thoughts by finally, dear blessed Jesus finally, wrapping her plush pink lips around him. Sam's hips bucked up and Sugar just relaxed her jaw and took him as deep as she could. His cock hit the back of her throat and Sugar swallowed around him.

"Sugar!" Sam yelled as his hands fisted in her hair. He tried not to buck, he tried not to pull or push, but she was taking all of his control away from him. Sam was a wild thing under her motions and soon he had to pull his thoughts together enough to warn her he was about to go.

"Fuck, baby, you got to stop…now." Sam growled even though his body demanded he just fill up her mouth with his seed.

"Alright cowboy, now you should be fun to ride." Sugar said with a final swipe of her tongue up his hard length. Her breath was even raspier then it was in the beginning. Sam twitched and fought his orgasm.

"You are evil." Sam panted closing his eyes and willing his dick to calm down, just a little so he could breath.

"Oh darling, no one can prove that." Sugar grinned and before Sam could open his eyes she was sinking down onto him. Sam gasped, his hands shot to her hips and she was so small his fingers almost touched around her back.

"Oh fuck!" he gasped out and Sugar just looked down at him with an angelic look of innocence as she let him catch up with her.

"Good?" she asked as Sam's grasp on her hips relaxed from bruising to holding. He was still panting and sweat had broken out on his upper lip but he nodded at her. With a grin and a sparkle in her brown eyes she smiled at his concentration.

And then Sugar began to move. Oh god did she ever move…it was like the song she had been dancing to in the bar was written into her bones and now she was dancing on him. Her hips rolled and swayed and all Sam could do was hold on for dear life. Not that he wasn't involved, he tried to meet her movements with thrusts of his own but Sugar was having none of it. She shoved him back to the bed and took his large hands and put them on her tits. Sam could work with that. He kneaded and pinched at her nipples while she threw back her head and rode him like he was a mechanical bull.

She used every inch of her tiny body to ride Sam into absolute oblivion. His mind could think nothing but 'Sugar' 'amazing' 'fuck' and 'close'. Soon he was just chanting those things over and over while she began to bounce herself on him even harder. Her nails dug into his chest and Sam grunted at the pain.

"Come on Sam, fill me up baby." Sugar begged him and that did it, that sent him over the edge. With a deep shout he came and squeezed her hips so hard that there were for sure bruises left there.

When he did thrust up into her one final time Sugar yelled out her own orgasm to the ceiling. Sam had an absurd thought that he hoped Dean didn't rag him about this but then remembered Dean was no where to be seen.

Sam's rattled brain focused as Sugar collapsed on top of him. She panted against his chest and Sam stroked her hair gently. They lay like that for a while until both of them were breathing more stable and Sam felt Sugar's fingernail tracing over his anti-possession tattoo. He had been soft for a while now but because Sugar didn't move he was still inside of her.

"Hailey." Sugar said while still tracing his tattoo. Sam glanced down at her.

"What?" he asked.

"My name is Hailey. My friends call me Sugar because my parents own a sugar cane plant down south." she moved her head so that her chin rested on his chest. Her deep brown eyes were warm and soft and Sam felt himself slipping into some feelings.

"Hi Hailey, I'm Sam." Sam grinned and she laughed lightly.

"Staying the night Sam?" she asked finally stretching and getting off of him. There was a mess to clean up, sweaty skin to wash, but Hailey just flopped down next to him and curled up into his side. Sam moved so that he was able to wrap her in his arms and pull her close. God she was so small.

"If you're ok with that." he commented but his eyes were already slipping shut.

When he woke up he was aware of the little ball of heat cuddling into him chest and that he was in still tired in a bone weary way. He glanced down to look at the little brunette that his arms were wrapped around and smiled to himself.

"I can hear you smirking, go back to sleep Sam." came the raspy reply and Sam chuckled.

"I need to let my brother know where I am, I have his car." Sam said even though the last thing he wanted was to move right now.

"If you dare try to root for your phone I will tie you to this bed and castrate you. I grew up in farm country Sam." she said nuzzling in further. Her skin was soft and warm against him so Sam gave up the fight. They lay in silence until Sam was sure Hailey was asleep against him again. He kissed the top of her head and sighed happily.

"Can I keep you Sugar?" he whispered against her ear.

"I thought you already were." she replied sleepily.


	20. Chapter 20

**Vor í Vaglaskógi by Kaleo**

 ***translates to "Spring in Vaglaskogur...the original version I listened to was in Icelandic so I got this translation off of the Kaleo website, please forgive any errors!**

The night is ours

Spring in the wood of skies

We head to the heath with our tent, where the berries grow

Take me, dear friend to the mirth of yesterdays

Where our creek runs free and the birch will blow

Light in the mountains

Scent from our dearest fountains

The wind is counting your hair in the light aglow

The dew comes forth

Our valley is swept with peace

Our dreams come true, who sleep in the wood of skies

On the berry hearth, the last touch of sunlight dies

And the calm is deep where the quiet waters flow

Light in the mountains

Scent from our dearest fountains

The wind is counting your hair in the light aglow

Light in the mountains

Scent from our dearest fountains

The wind is counting your hair in the light aglow

The wind is counting your hair

Not a single word was spoken as he hiked through the trees and finally came upon the meadow where everything had started all those years ago. The place where two people had broken through their walls and issues to finally come together. He smiled thinking about the excitement and slight flush on his brother's face when he had told him of the night.

A camping trip, something his city addicted older brother had never wanted to do in his entire life, but once the angel brought it up he had agreed reluctantly. When the three of them set out to find the perfect place the seraph had flown on ahead and declared a more perfect place didn't exist, not one that the humans could get to anyway. So they hiked and they pitched their tents and they had drank beers in the sinking sunlight before a fire was started and weiners were roasted. The little stream that came down out of the mountains was a constant background babble to their conversation.

Once darkness settled neither of the men wanted to sleep, instead spending almost the entire night reminiscing and trying to impress the angel with stories of hunts. It was a perfect night and only when the sun began to rise did any of them dare to break the spell. But sleep was necessary for the humans and so they retired to their own tents. He didn't miss how the angel looked around cautiously before slipping into the tent of his brother.

"We're here guys." he said quietly as he rolled out his sleeping bag. The weather promised to co-operate so he had forgone a tent for the night. A warm summer wind stared the grass around the site and he closed his eyes to enjoy it. He missed his friends, his family that had been here the last time and tears flowed freely down his face. There was no longer any one to hide them from.

He opened his hazel gaze to watch as the sun began its decent below the horizon. It was beautiful here, calm and quiet, the only sounds around him the rustle of the grass and the babbling of the water. Still as a statue he sat on his sleeping bag and remembered the two men who had meant so much to him, one a brother and one a friend. Two men who had built him up, supported him when he had done so much to deserve the opposite. All the while attempting to come to terms with their own emotions and demons.

"Alright guys, you ready?" he asked the little urn in front of him that contained the two most important people in his life. Two men who had been taken from him too fast. He popped the top and poured out the ashes into his hand. That had been one of their last requests, burn their bodies together and spread their ashes here in the most important spot to them.

So while the sun set on the little glen Sam raised his hands and let his brother and his angel fly back into the universe. The golden light caught on every speck of ash and highlighted as it rose up on that summer breeze. Sam cried, he smiled when he thought about Dean ribbing him for being such a girl and how Castiel would automatically come to his defence. He laughed out loud as some ash blew back into his face like they were actually telling him to give it up. It was good to laugh again even if it pained his heart to be there alone doing it.

After letting them go Sam slipped off his clothes and washed himself in the cold stream. It was a rebirth for the Winchester and when he emerged he felt more alive then he had in weeks. His breathing was ragged and his long hair dripped onto his chest. He didn't bother with his clothes yet, instead just stretched out on his sleeping bag and watched the stars come out.

Sam didn't know if he would sleep that night, he rarely did these days, but he was content enough to sit and contemplate the universe opening above him. And to say goodbye to his family.


	21. Chapter 21

**No Good by Kaleo**

 _Can't fight the temptation_

 _When you get the vibration_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _You better start running_

 _When you hear the man coming_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _No we don't mind_

 _If you don't mind_

 _Hell I never mind!_

 _Now let the moment break you_

 _Let the feeling come take you_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _And you know I got feelings_

 _Won't you hit me right, you know you might as well_

 _Won't do you no good_

 _'Cause he won't do you no good_

 _And I said kiss your baby goodbye_

 _Come on, love, it's alright!_

 _Heaven knows they wanna break you apart, yeah_

 _Kiss your baby goodbye_

 _Come on, love, it's alright!_

 _You never know unless you give it a try_

 _Oh baby_

 _'Said do you no good, yeah!_

 _And you can tell I got feelings_

 _You try to shake it off, I know you won't_

 _You won't do you no good_

 _Today won't do you no good_

 _And I said kiss your baby goodbye_

 _Come on, love, it's alright_

 _Heaven knows they wanna break you apart, yeah_

 _Kiss your baby goodbye_

 _Come on, love, it's alright_

 _You never know unless you give it a try, oh yeah!_

Dean and Castiel sat in their little booth discussing the case Sam wanted to work on when Dean noticed the guys at the bar eyeing them and laughing. The minute Cas noticed him noticing he noticed too. He tensed with his hand around his beer and suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

"Its fine Cas." Dean assured him because Cas had become ever suspicious of any and all attention since he had gotten his grace back. It was like the warrior in him had gone into overdrive.

"If you insist Dean." Cas growled out in that rocky voice of his that immediately made his dick twitch in his jeans. Dean gave him a little reassuring smile and Cas gave him a weak one back. They went back to talking about the case.

The next time the men looked and laughed it was clear to them both it wasn't fine. They were egging themselves on for something and Dean felt any of the feel good vibes from his beer disappear instantly.

"Maybe we should just leave." Cas suggested picking up on the tension in Dean.

"Hell no Cas, we have as much a right to be here as them." Dean said angrily. He knew what was going on, had seen it in enough bars all across the country but what he couldn't figure out how they knew.

Sure Dean and Cas were together, and didn't make any attempt to hide it, but they made no obvious moved in public to confirm it either. Neither of them was real comfortable with PDA so it wasn't hard to act like just two friends out for a beer.

"Want another?" Dean asked draining the rest of his beer and nodding to Cas's. Castiel drank the rest of the beer and handed the empty to Dean with a nod of his head. Dean may have forgotten himself for a minute and gave Cas's hand a squeeze before heading to the bar.

"Fucking fags." he heard behind him as he motioned for the bartender.

"What was that?" Dean asked turning around to see the apparent leader of the group sneering at him. He could have rolled his eyes at the walking cliche that was the over weight biker glaring at him.

"I said, fucking fags. Should be drug out into the street and shot." he went on with encouragement from his friends behind him.

"You might want to take your friend home there fellas, before he says something he'll really regret to someone who won't be as forgiving as me." Dean said even though his entire body was tensed to start swinging. Homophobia was one part of his relationship with Cas that he didn't like.

"Like who fag? Your pretty little boyfriend?" another of the group challenged him.

"Oh believe me, you don't want my boyfriend to get involved in this." Dean said with a proud little smirk towards his avenging angel. Cas immediately stood and made his way over to him.

"Ah pretty little thing like that probably likes it a little heavy handed right? Enjoys being pushed down and fucked." the leader piped up again.

"Or is it the other way around fag?" he asked getting all up in Dean's personal space. Castiel actually growled but Dean gave his hand a squeeze.

"Look guys, I don't want to start this shit ok? I just wanted to come out and have a nice relaxing drink with my boyfriend. So how about we forget this ever happened and go our separate ways?" Dean offered one last chance for them to walk away. Despite the obvious tension in the air one of the other bar patrons slipped some money into the juke box and the air filled with some random music. _(this is where the song comes in)_

"Scared fag?" the leader hissed right in Dean's face and Dean frowned at the reek of cigarettes and alcohol coming from his mouth.

"Dean?" Cas asked looking between his boyfriend and the aggressor.

"Looks like we're going to have to go a little Swayze up in this Roadhouse Cas." Dean said and then he was decking the guy to lay him flat on his ass.

The entire bar took a gasp and the air stilled dangerously. Dean smirked at Cas but Castiel was glaring at the group of drunk guys who were staring at their laid out leader. Dean was pretty confident that by taking out their alpha he had diverted the actual fighting but like a bubble popping all sound and action returned to the bar in the form of the gang of men jumping to avenge their leader.

It was awesome, in Dean's opinion. A full blown bar fight that involved honky tonk music, thrown chairs, smashed beer bottles and best of all his amazingly sexy boyfriend who was taking out drunks like they were butterflies. Dean was punched, kicked, pushed and even jabbed with a pool stick but Cas was weaving his way through the fight like he was bored. Dean even saw him pull back a smiting hand once and damn if that wasn't sexy as all hell.

But of course all good things had to come to an end. Dean and Cas found themselves back to back laying out bikers when the sound of sirens grabbed everyone's attention. The bar cleared out pretty fast after that, most of the patrons probably none too eager to tangle with the law. Castiel grabbed Dean's hand and hauled him from the bar to his precious car.

"Dean, are you alright?" Cas asked as Dean unlocked the car just in time to see two squad cars tear past them. Lucky enough Dean had parked far enough away that they wouldn't think he was involved in the fight at all.

"I'm fine Cas, you?" Dean asked as they slid into the car.

"I did not sustain any injuries." Cas said and Dean looked over. When Cas went all prim and proper on him it wasn't a good sign.

"Whats wrong?" he asked his angel reaching across to turn his face to look at Dean but he refused to meet his eyes.

"I…I hate the stigmatism humans have towards gender and sexuality." Cas sighed. True, being a multidimensional wave length didn't anchor itself to gender but Cas seemed really bothered by his vessel some times.

"Hey, Cas look at me man." Dean pleaded and Cas finally faced him.

"Nothing and no one will ever make me feel like what we have is wrong ok? Sure I was hung up on it for a while but I'm good now, great even. It doesn't matter to me what some hick in a bar thinks. What matters is what you think. And you love me right?" Dean asked him. Cas's eyes immediately flicked up to his and the look of absolute adoration was enough to make Dean smile.

"Of course I love you Dean." Cas said and Dean gave the back of his neck a little squeeze.

"So it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks does it angel?" Dean said and put his hands back on the steering wheel and started the car.

"We were just assaulted by a large bunch of people Dean, why are you so happy?" Cas inquired but he was grinning despite himself.

"I just defended your honour in there man, it felt good!" Dean outright laughed.

"My honour?" Cas was confused.

"They spoke shit about us and I defended us. It was a good night baby." Dean reached over to flick in his favourite old rock tape and gunned his Baby down the highway. It was a good night.


	22. Chapter 22

**S &M by Rhianna**

 _Feels so good being bad_

 _There's no way I'm turning back_

 _Now the pain is for pleasure_

 _'Cause nothing can measure_

 _Love is great, love is fine_

 _Out the box, out of line_

 _The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more_

 _'Cause I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it_

 _Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it_

 _Sticks and stones may break my bones,_

 _But chains and whips excite me_

Dean had no idea how he had gotten roped into going to a fetish club. Well, he kind of did but he really didn't. Benny had called him out for a few beers and before he knew what was happening there was a crowd of about fifteen of them pounding back tequila and out came the sex brags. No one really believed Dean hadn't been to the new club in the city and that was how he ended up squeezed into a cab between Benny and Victor on the way to what was probably the riskiest place Dean had ever set foot in. And he was no saint by any means. Hell Sam always pulled a bitch face whenever he crawled in from a one night stand wearing last night clothes and a stupidly satisfied look on his face.

"Here we are guys!" the cab driver said enthusiastically as they all started to fall out of the cab. Benny paid the man, probably tipping him well for not making any of them puke on the ride over, and then they were standing in line waiting to get into the little tiny door that was marked with one red sign. It was in a foreign language that Dean didn't know how to read but the bouncer was a good indication it was indeed a club.

"Uh, Benny, what should I expect in there?" Dean asked a little nervously as the cool October air started to break through his drunk fog.

"No worries brotha, I'll make sure you don't wander off to the really freaky stuff. Its just like a strip club but more leather." Benny smiled at him with an arm around his shoulder as the line hustled forward. Dean looked around to make sure all of their group was still together and had to laugh seeing Garth bent over puking out the tequila already. But like the trooper he was he wiped his mouth and stood back up grinning and rearing to go again.

Then it was Dean's turn to hold out his hand to the overly large bouncer who stamped his hand with a discreet star. He couldn't see much going into the place, it was dark and lit minutely with red lights all along the hall. There was an atmosphere of liquor and sex though that made Dean feel a little more like he was in any other bar. Until he hit the main room that was.

Here it was all raised platforms with dancers draped in costumes that ranged from interesting leather corsets and heels to full body latex suits with only little air holes for their noses. The bar was lit with a blacklight, which Dean thought might be a horrible idea for a place like this, and the bartender had so many piercings she looked like a jewelry display. Her hair was also dyed a neon blue and spiked on top of her head where it didn't move even though she was flitting back and forth to the booze.

"We getting a room first or some drinks?" Victor asked Benny over the pulsing music. Dean was swallowing his discomfort but he desperately wished he hadn't listened to his friends. He wasn't against a little kink in the bedroom, everyone had experimented with a little tie up play right? But some of the people he saw on the floor here made his skin crawl.

"We'd better get poor Dean here a drink before he runs for the door." Benny chuckled pushing his friend towards the bar. Soon Dean had a cold glass of liquor in his hand but no inclination to drink it. The guys were all chatting and laughing and looking around but Dean was too uneasy to relax that much.

"Loosen up man, its only a bar." Benny said nudging his shoulder and taking in his panicked look.

"Look at those people Benny!" Dean squeaked out.

"They're happy, the ones they're grinding on are happy, who are we to judge?" Benny asked him seriously. Dean looked over at his friend and thought maybe he didn't really want to know why Benny was so comfortable in a place like this.

"Come on Dean, first show is on us!" one of the newer mechanics Meg said raising her glass and howling at the music. Before he could ask what she meant he was lead to a little door and shoved inside.

Inside the room was one single chair and it faced a very large piece of glass. The shade was lowered on the glass but Dean knew what this pace was, it was a private show room where men (or women he didn't judge) could have a show in comfort while they probably jacked off. He looked at the chair cautiously but it looked like maybe it was wiped down between shows? It was shiny and smelled like lemons.

The shade started to go up so Dean swallowed his discomfort and sat down. Hell it was only a stripper, and he'd seen plenty of those in his life. Men and women, it didn't really matter to him. So he tried to relax and at least give the performer his attention.

It wasn't just one performer Dean came to realize quickly, there was one tied up on a stool and HE looked very excited to be there already. He was lean but toned, his strong muscles bulged where he was tied up. His ankles and wrists were bound with black rope and across his chest was some kind of x in the same rope. It looked like it was almost cutting into his skin but hell if he didn't care why should Dean? He was completely naked and Dean licked his lips in appreciation of his…assets. Pulling his eyes away from the large dick in front of him Dean looked over the rest of the man. He was fair skinned and had a dark mop of hair that was already looking sexed up. His eyes were blindfolded and he had a little strip of cloth over his mouth.

Movement made Dean's eyes move to the other person in the room with the man. This one was a woman and she wore dominatrix gear if Dean had to guess. He did like the way her thigh high boots looked on her darker complexion but other then that Dean couldn't for the life of him ever remember anything about her later. He was completely enthralled with the man.

"Are you ready for your punishment?" her voice was like whiskey though and must have been piped in thorough some speakers because she sounded like she was right behind Dean. He actually jumped at her voice but when he saw the man nod he relaxed into his seat again.

The woman reached down to take off the gap he was wearing and already the man was panting. He had large soft looking lips and Dean imagined they would feel fantastic sucking on his…

"When I ask you a question you answer with yes mistress. Do you understand?" she asked and snapped a riding crop against her palm. The man groaned and panted harder.

"Yes Mistress." he said and his voice washed over Dean like magic. It was deep and gravelly and Dean's dick stood straight to attention.

"Good boy. Now tell me your name." she demanded rubbing the crop over his exposed nipples. Little groans escaped his lips and Dean caught himself palming himself through his jeans.

"Castiel." he panted. Good god, even his name was exotic and sexy.

"And are you going to be a good boy and take your punishment Castiel?" she purred and Dean felt it vibrate in his own ear.

"Yes Mistress." Castiel answered eagerly. With no more preamble the woman raised the crop and brought it down across Castiel's back. He arched and hissed against the pain but his hard on didn't wain in the slightest. Four strikes and then she let Castiel catch his breath. He was panting and straining against his binds.

"Did you enjoy that Castiel?" she asked him and he nodded quickly.

"Do you want me to continue?" she asked him but this time her eyes flicked up to meet Dean's through the glass. He found himself nodding just as fast as Castiel.

This time the crop came down across his chest leaving red welts wherever it landed. The woman grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled his head back painfully. His nipples looked tortured and Dean rubbed his own in sympathy. That made him groan in earnest though, his nipples being more sensitive then he could ever remember.

Five strikes this time and by the end of them Castiel was moaning out loud. Each strike of the crop had him gasping. His cock was now leaking pre cum and Dean couldn't resist undoing his jeans to cup himself. He was rock hard and even the roughness of his own palm felt good.

"Are you getting close Castiel?" the woman whispered and he had to visibly swallow before answering.

"Yes Mistress." Castiel answered and Dean groaned.

"Beg me Castiel, beg me for more." she demanded. Walking behind him she grabbed the criss cross of ropes over his back and pulled him into a painful looking position. But Castiel didn't seem to mind at all, he just groaned harder and his cock gave an eager little twitch. By now Dean had surrendered and had his own dick out in the open and in his hand.

"Please Mistress, let me cum." Castiel begged and Dean gave himself a good hard stroke at that. Oh that voice, begging for release…it could be very dangerous.

"One more round of punishment Castiel. If you can hold out through that then I'll let you come." she said and ran her gloves hand over his chest as she let him sit back up. He arched into her touch.

This time the strikes were on his strong thighs. Dean watched as the muscles clenched and twitched with each strike of the crop. And with each strike Castiel cried out. He dick was red and swollen by now and Dean knew he must be close. Dean himself was stroking himself harder and faster knowing there was no way he was walking out of this room without getting off.

"Good boy Castiel." the woman congratulated him after giving him his last strike. She moved behind his back and looked towards Dean but Dean had all his attention on the man in between them. Castiel was begging now, his voice a deeper level then it had been all along. The ropes were straining against his skin.

"Would you like to come Castiel?" she asked him in a whisper that again seemed to go right to Dean's ear. His legs tensed up and his back arched forwards as he got closer to his edge.

"Yes Mistress, please Mistress…" Castiel begged and Dean let his head loll back momentarily as he felt the deep heat of his orgasm building in his stomach.

"Are you close Castiel?" she purred and Dean's head snapped forward to watch Castiel nod. His dick was practically dripping pre come now and Den licked his lips again.

"Come on baby, let it go." the woman said as she reached down to his balls and squeezed them. Her other hand reached up to tear away Castiel's blind fold and his eyes locked on Dean's just as he came.

Dean had never seen eyes so blue before. Blue like the sky, blue like perfectly warmed water at the coastline, blue like the most coveted gemstone. And they looked deep into Dean's. Dean shouted out as he released into his hand and at the same time Castiel screamed out his own release. They didn't break eye contact even when they both sat there panting and coming down. The woman smirked and kissed Castiel on the cheek before reaching over to press a button. Immediately the shade began to lower and Dean was scrabbling to see into Castiel's deep blue gaze one final time. Castiel seemed to feel the same way and he stayed locked on Dean's eyes until the shade lowered and Dean was left in the little room by himself and covered in jizz.

"So how was it Dean?" came a voice from the crowd of his co-workers as Dean emerged from the little room flushed and embarrassed. Benny threw an arm around his shoulder and slipped a drink into his hand which Dean guzzled. He was exhausted and drained.

"It was…interesting." Dean croaked out. They laughed at that and Dean had a sneaking suspicion that none of them had ever been inside a private room before. Well, maybe Meg, but none of the others. They wouldn't be ribbing him like this if they had.

"Well its nice to see you popped your cherry Dean." Meg gave him a smirk and he just flipped her the bird. He was too tired to engage her right now.

"So what did you see Dean?" Garth asked slurring his words heavily. He had obviously been drinking more while Dean was away.

"That's personal Garth, just between the man and his performers." Meg grinned again. Oh yes, Meg had been in one of the rooms before. They all migrated back to the bar at that point and Dean slammed back a few more drinks. Even though he seemed to be at a stand still the time did eventually pass and before he knew it Benny was looking at his watch and talking with Victor.

"Victor is heading on home Dean, if you want to get out of here." Benny said into his friends ear. Benny knew Dean better then almost any one and he knew when Dean had had enough. Dean looked and his friend and nodded graciously. He said his good nights to his friends and followed Benny and Victor outside to wait for a cab.

"Just so you know not all the people who perform here are workers." Benny told Dean as he lit up a cigarette and puffed into the night air.

"What?" Dean asked confused as Victor hailed a cab.

"There are people who pay to be tied up. Part of their price is that they wear a blind fold and are displayed during their act." Benny continued.

"How the hell do you know so much about this Benny?" Dean asked him in surprise.

"There's a lot about me you don't know Dean." Benny said not looking at his friend.

"You've been there…" Dean didn't exactly make it a question.

"There's only one cab available Dean, we'll have to share it back to the block." Victor said cutting off any further conversation between Dean and Benny.

"What block are you going to?" Came a deep voice from the doorway. Dean spun around in shock to see Castiel pulling on a coat and coming out into the cool night air. Dean flushed a deep red and his mouth fell open.

"Uptown, 3rd and Oak." Victor supplied.

"I'm not far from there, mind if I split the cab?" Castiel asked and then his eyes fell to Dean. His steps stuttered and he flushed as well.

"Yeah man, no problem." Victor said sliding in to the front seat. Castiel jogged around he cab and slid in to the back just as Benny was snapping his fingers in front of Dean's face.

"Like I said man, some of them pay to be there." Benny smirked and shoved Dean in the car. Immediately he locked eyes with Castiel again.

"Hi." Castiel said holding out his hand to Dean. "I'm Castiel, but my friends call me Cas."

"Hi Cas, I'm Dean."


	23. Chapter 23

US-Studie by Von wegen Lisbeth

 _If I could rewind time and make amends_

 _If I could some how hear your voice again_

 _and hold you gently in the morning_

 _what I wouldn't give_

 _Say the word and I will turn around_

 _and run run run to you_

 _Oh just to feel your breath against my skin_

 _If I could some how taste your smile again_

 _what I wouldn't give_

 _Say the word and I will turn around_

 _and run run run to you_

 _I try to pry my heart away_

 _its true your loves crazy glue_

 _so say the word and I will turn around_

 _and run run run to you_

 _what I wouldn't give_

 _to be us…us again_

 _say the word and I will turn around_

 _and run run run to you_

"Why can't you just say it Dean?" Castiel demanded of the man he loved. The man he knew loved him too but he just couldn't say it. And right now Castiel needed to hear it from him.

"Because I just don't do that shit Cas!" Dean ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Why did the angel need to drag this out now? It wasn't exactly an ideal situation to be having a relationship discussion.

The sky was heavy with dark clouds and dry lightening cracked across the horizon steadily getting closer. The air was thick with the pressure of the incoming storm. The rocky ground they stood on was offering no isolation from the wind wiping their coats around them, Castiel actually looked majestic with his stupid trench coat tearing around his legs and Dean hated that he could notice that even now in the middle of shit like there were in.

"Why?" Cas demanded as the storm clouds rolled in closer and faster. This was going to be one hell of a storm.

"Why should I Cas? You know I…you know how I feel." Dean's voice caught in his throat.

"I know you appreciate my body and the things we do with it. I know you enjoy the abilities that I control as an angel. I know you think of me as family. But how can I know if you never tell me?" Cas said and his voice was just sad. It was a simple thing he was asking of Dean. After all the hell, literal and figurative, that they had gone through together why couldn't the man give him the one thing he needed?

"We're about to have a fucking demon army on our asses Cas, we don't have time for this." Dean was starting to get panicked now. Cas was making demands of him for once in their relationship and Dean just didn't know how to make him see it. He did love the angel but the people he loved tended to end up dead. If he said it, it became real, it became something to be ripped from him.

"I don't care about demons Dean!" Castiel yelled and his true voice carried on the air currents to make Dean flinch.

"I think I've been very forgiving Dean. I have never pushed you for more then you were willing to give. I waited for you to be comfortable before letting my feelings known, I waited for you to initiate a physical relationship with me. I waited for you to let other people know about our partnership. But I can not wait any longer Dean. I need to hear you say it." Cas said. He bowed his head and released his wings from their hiding place. The wing snapped the feathers and he had trouble actually keeping his wings at his sides.

"I will not be your play thing Dean. I am an angel of the lord, a warrior, and I will not, no can not, let you control everything about me. I should be proud of who I am and what I have accomplished in the name of good. But you continue to make me doubt myself. If you can't even tell me how you feel then I take it to mean you don't share my feelings and I would rather be fighting in heaven then here with someone who doesn't love me." Cas said. He waited then, gave Dean a chance to fix this, save them both from the heartache looming on the horizon with the incoming lightning. But all Dean did was open and close his mouth repeatedly.

"Good bye Dean Winchester, I truly do love you." Cas said and threw back his head to emit a strong blue white light that was the angel fleeing his vessel. Jimmy Novak slouched to the ground in a heap and all Dean could do was stare after the disappearing light as Cas disappeared.

"I can't believe you Dean!" Sam was raging, actually yelling at his older brother for the first time in their lives. Sam had bitched at him before, had chewed him out for his many stupid mistakes, but this was the first time Dean had actually seen him in a rage.

"Shut up Sammy." Dean sighed dragging his hand down his face. He looked over where they had Jimmy perched up in a chair waiting to see if he would wake up or if Jimmy Novak was truly dead. And of course Dean was holding out hope that those blue eyes would open and it would be Castiel looking back at him.

"No Dean I won't shut up, not this time. I'm tired of your emotional constipation ruining every thing good in your life. You had it man, you had the perfect guy and you let him leave just because you're too fucking scared to grow a pair. Three little words Dean, that's all he wanted. I'm sure you've said them to other people besides me. Hell I know for a fact that you loved Lisa, did you ever say it to her?" Sam continued.

"I told you never to talk about Lisa again." Dean warned his baby brother.

"And I'm ignoring your warning you pathetic little soldier." Sam spat at his brother.

"Jesus Sam, its my relationship that just imploded, what the hell are you so upset about?" Dean slammed his fist on the table.

"Because did it ever occur to you what I was offering Cas when I accepted your relationship? You gained a boyfriend but I gained a brother. He was just as important to me as he was to you Dean. And I was jealous you asshole. You had everything I've been fighting for my entire life! Someone who accepted you for all your flaws and stupid attitude. Someone who was willing to do whatever it took to be with you." Sam said also slamming his fist on the table.

"Sammy…"

"Fuck you Dean." Sam stood up to his full height and strode from the room angrily. He seemed to take all the air out with him and Dean sank deeper in to his chair. He felt his eyes stinging and kicked out in anger. His toe connected with the table leg and sent it against the wall further. He stood up then and fled down the hall to his room because if he stayed in the kitchen then he'd end up breaking it apart just like he did every thing in his life.

Being in his room probably wasn't the best idea either, because it wasn't only his room now it was Cas's too. Or at least it was until about three hours ago. Now it was the room where he would constantly be reminded that he wasn't enough, he wasn't strong enough, smart enough, loving enough, to keep his angel. The angel who had a habit of throwing his dress shirts across the back of the chair at the desk instead of hanging them up. The angel who's ties ended up around the posts of the bed instead of in the closet where Dean had installed a tie hanger just for that reason. The angel who insisted that Dean install a tv in their room so he could watch nature documentaries while snuggled up against Dean in bed. The angel who had taught him how to let himself go and be free with someone who would accept whatever that was. The angel Dean loved more then he loved anything in the world. The angel who was now gone.

Dean grabbed the desk chair and threw it across the room, smashing it to pieces on the wall and tearing the shirt in the process. It fluttered to the floor while Dean continued to destroy all the furniture in the room until his eyes came to rest on the bed. The bed where he not only shared his body with Castiel but had shared his heart. Three little stupid words and he could still have Cas in the bed with him. Three little words and he could have made his angel happy, could have made him stay.

Dean didn't deserve Cas, he didn't deserve to be happy. He deserved to suffer and suffer alone after all the pain and evil he had loosened upon the world because he was too weak to give himself up. He was too afraid of loosing his brother, of being alone, so he fought against the better options, the better choices, all to find another way to survive. No, Dean Winchester did not deserve the redemption that Castiel offered in his touch.

When Dean came back to himself he realized he had torn the bed to pieces. The frame was broken and cracked against the concrete walls and the mattress was ripped and spread across the floor. The memory foam he had adored so much was shredded. The only thing that was unbroken in the whole room was Castiel's little cactus pot on the knee wall. The pathetic little plant with one solitary flower that Cas had fretted and fawned over when it had bloomed a pretty purple blue color. He had been so happy about that stupid little flower. His face had lit up and his big gummy grin had spread across his face. He had hugged Dean and gave him a big sloppy kiss on the cheek he was so happy to finally see the cactus thriving in the bunker.

"Cas…" Dean cried out cradling the pot to his chest like a baby. It was so sad and small and pathetic and it was all he had left of Cas's.

"Cas, I'm so sorry." he sobbed over the plant. His tears were hot and heavy across his cheeks and he knew he looked like a baby. But he didn't care, not in the slightest. If he was going to loose everything then who cared if he cried like a loser in his broken room?

"Cas, I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to be the man you needed me to be. I'm sorry I couldn't see how much I was still hiding from you, from us. I'm sorry I drove you away when all I wanted was to hold you close. I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry." Dean ranted out not caring who heard him. Well that wasn't true, he hoped one angel still heard his words. Dean closed his burning eyes and sent out his prayer to his angel.

 _'Castiel, angel of the lord, I love you. I love you more then my pride, I love you more then my ego. I love you more then my brother, I love you more then myself. Please, come back to me angel."_ he prayed stronger then he had ever prayed before in his life. He hoped his prayer would ring out across angel radio and that every angel on the planet heard his words and knew that he meant them. He wanted to the world, above and below, to know that he loved the angel Castiel and that he would do anything to have him back.

Dean's head snapped up when he heard his door open. As it slowly opened and revealed Jimmy standing there Dean's heart stopped in his chest. Was it Jimmy or…

"Hello Dean." came his angel's voice and Dean dropped the pot in his hands. He threw himself into Cas's arms and wrapped himself around the man. He kissed his cheeks, his mouth, his eye lids all the while murmuring the three words he had been so hesitant to say hours ago.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…" fell from his lips every time he spoke and Cas was grinning his big true smile when Dean finally pulled back to look at him.

"I love you too Dean." he said and placed a gentle kiss on the hunter's lips.


	24. Chapter 24

**Coastline by Jesse Taylor**

 _I'm gonna run to the water_

 _where i'll find what I want._

 _With the mist in the air_

 _that's clinging to my lungs._

 _Don't let go,_

 _just hold on to me,_

 _hold on to me._

 _I'm gonna run,_

 _I'm gonna run to you._

 _I'm gonna run,_

 _I'm gonna run to you._

 _Where the ocean meets the coastline._

 _Where the ocean meets the coastline._

Dean didn't know how Sam had convinced him to do this. He was the least qualified person to be on a surfboard at the crack of ass-o-clock waiting for the '"perfect wave" as their hippie, but frigging smoking hot, instructor put it. But because Sammy had some kind of strange baby brother hold on Dean here he was. In a wetsuit…on a surfboard…in the middle of the god damned Atlantic. Well, off the coast of Cali but it felt like the middle of the god damned Atlantic.

"Stop scowling Dean." Sam grinned over at his brother totally taking joy from his discomfort.

"Shut up Sammy." Dean replied flipping his off and then grabbing at his board frantically as he began to tip to one side.

"Boys, can we not ruin this beautiful sunrise with bickering?" the instructor, who's name was Cas, said over his shoulder but he was grinning too. And water was running down his cheek from his soaking wet mop of dark hair of course. Causing Dean to stare at the drop until it disappeared into his neckline. If Dean hadn't of been slightly on the edge of hysterics due to his unreasonable fear of sharks under his feet, he may have been sporting an uncomfortably noticeable chubby in his wetsuit.

"Are we just going to float here for the day? Because I can enjoy laying on a beach rather then risk drowning if that's the case." Dean grumped as his board treated to tip again.

"Once the sun is up it'll be safer to try some of the smaller waves Dean." Cas said in his smokey whiskey gravel laced voice.

"Then why in the hell did I get up at 4 am?!" he asked indignantly.

"Because that's when Sam and I usually come to the beach so we can scope out the best places.

"I hate you guys." Dean pouted. He did have to admit the sunset was beautiful but he had seen one too many sunrises growing up in Kansas. The water was cool against his skin but even that wasn't too bad. He was truly just grumpy because he knew, just _knew_ , Sam had used his unrequited crush on Cas to trick him in to coming surfing with him. Even though he knew Dean had a fear of water, also thanks to growing up in Kansas.

"Alright boys, looks like we're getting some good ones coming on now. Ready?" Cas asked over his shoulder at Dean. Dean got lost in that blue eyed stare for a moment before nodding his head yes when he totally wasn't ready. Hell, he could barely even stand on the board let alone try to actually surf. This was going to end badly.

It ended badly. It ended with Dean being dragged onto the beach with a stomach full of sea water while Cas and Sam argued about taking him to the hospital to get the gash on his head looked at. That argument stopped when Dean began to puke up the water. They rushed him into the backseat of his Impala (oh god Baby's seat with salt water on them) and took him to he nearest emergency room.

That was how he ended up with a not so friendly Doctor scolding him on the merits of proper surf training before attempting to be a hero and showing off for his friends. Dean was bright red and sputtering when the Doctor left with instructions of rest for the entire week.

"I'm sorry Dean, I didn't think you'd be that…"

"Awkward? Terrible? Idiotic?" Dean supplied for his brother while Sam lowered his head in shame.

"You said you'd surfed before." Cas piped up from the backseat and Dean shot him a glare over his shoulder.

"I did not." Dean argued but again Sam looked guiltily away from the wheel.

"Sammy." Dean said to his brother in a warning growl.

"I…I just wanted you to come and try it Dean. I know you and if you try something you're more likely to enjoy it than not. You're pretty stubborn that way." Sam burst out.

"Sam!" Cas was rolling his eyes in the backseat. He had a towel wrapped around his now mostly try frame but his hair was still damp and stuck every which way. The piercing in his lip shone brightly in the sun steaming through the back windows.

"I know Cas." Sam sighed. No one else spoke until Sam pulled in to his driveway. Cas's old Continental was parked on the street.

"I'm sorry to ruin the morning guys." Dean said as he pulled the ice pack away from the bruise on his forehead. He felt miserable and like he needed at least three showers to get all the salt water off of him.

"Its not your fault Dean." Cas said glaring at Sam over Dean's shoulder.

"It really was a beautiful sunrise." Dean said trying to make the guy forget about Sam's idiocy. Sam fled to the house where he could escape the blue eyed judgement.

"It was." Cas agreed. He ran the towel over his head and when he emerged he was a spiky haired hedgehog and Dean laughed.

"You know Dean I teach a beginners class if you really want to learn. I know its not really your thing but…"

"That sounds great Cas!" Dean cut him off. Did he really want to learn to surf? No. Did he want an excuse to hang around the lean toned angel in front of him? Yes. And there was some other crap about bonding with Sam over surfing in there as well.

"Awesome." Cas said "I haven't got a class started yet and I know you'll be going back to Kansas in a couple of weeks but I can do some one on one instruction if you'd like."

One on one…with Cas…in his wetsuit…oh yeah.

"If its not trouble." Dean managed to squeak out.

"No trouble at all. I know you don't really get up to much while Sam is working during the day. It can be a little boredom relief for both of us." Cas grinned as he opened the door to his pimp-mobile as Sam and Dean had taken to calling it.

"Sounds great man, thanks." Dean closed the door and waved as Cas took off.

"Dean's in loooooooooove." Sam's sing song came over the railing and Dean spun around to glare at his brother.

"Shut up asshat, you almost got me killed this morning!" he shouted chasing up the stairs after Sam. His brother might have at least four inches on him in height but Dean was still stronger and he got Sam in a headlock in seconds.

"I did not! Besides Cas is a certified lifeguard, he wouldn't have let you drown. He might have even had to give you mouth to mouth." Sam teased as he squirmed against his brother's hold.

"Shut up Sam!" Dean squeezed on his brother's neck.

"Alight, alright, I give." Sam squealed and Dean let him go.

"Bitch." Dean grinned.

"Jerk"

Cas's surfing instructions were obviously meant for little kids on their boards for the first time and Dean was loath to admit that was a good thing. After just three lessons Dean was standing on his board with much more confidence and even attempted a wave. A tiny wave but a wave. When he successfully surfed it to the beach Cas was beaming at him from his own board.

"That was great Dean!" he high fives the other man. Dean was beaming and so freaking proud of himself that he forgot to be awkward around his crush. Not that Cas was just a crush any more. Spending multiple mornings and afternoons with the guy had moved Cas from crush to friend. Not that Dean still didn't want to peel him out of that wetsuit and lick his entire bod head to toe. Oh no, that was still there.

"Thanks Cas. I can't believe how great of an instructor you are. The kids must pick it up pretty fast too." he said climbing back onto his board and enjoying the lull of the waves.

"That's what their parents pay me for." Cas grinned. "Its getting near lunch, you wanna go grab something?" Cas asked him.

"Sure, sounds good." Dean was happy with his success and decided he didn't want to push his luck. So they made their way in and stripped off their suits. Or at least Dean got part way stripping off his suit before Cas revealed inch after inch of creamy delicious looking skin and distracted him. Dean was surprised to see a full color back tattoo of an angel on Cas's back. It was done in beautiful water colors of blues and purples. Dean opened his mouth to ask about it when Cas pulled his suit down the rest of the way and revealed the tightest pair of black shorts Dean had ever seen in his life. Immediately his cock twitched to life in his suit and he flushed.

"Dean?" Cas asked looking back at the guy with a smile on his face.

"Nice tattoo." Dean said turning and getting out of his suit. His face was flaming and he didn't need Cas to see that.

"Thanks." Cas said pulling on a pair of shorts. At least Dean hoped that was what he was hearing behind him. He didn't know if he could handle the idea of Cas stripping off completely naked out here on the sand with him. He rushed his way into his own clothes and then him and Cas were cruising the food trucks for something to eat. They ended up with some kind of fancy fusion burger for Dean and a weird vegan wrap for Cas.

"I really love it here." Cas said as they sat in the sand sharing a meal. The water was glistening brightly under the high sun and the wind was just warm enough to keep it tolerable.

"Its great." Dean agreed. "Sam really loves it here too."

"You think he'll stay?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, he's pretty set at getting the full time position with the firm he's at. And really, there's nothing back home for him." Dean said.

"What about you?"

"Well, I mean I'm awesome, but Sam can't just live in the middle of butt fuck no where because of his brother." Dean grinned his overconfident smirk at Cas who laughed.

"I mean why are you still there? You don't seem to like it much, you're out here with Sam every few months."

"Well, you know, its where I belong I guess." Dean shrugged.

"No it isn't."

"No?"

"You belong where ever you feel happy. That's why I'm here in Cali instead of back home in Alaska." Cas said around a bite of his wrap.

"You're from Alaska?" Dean was surprised. Cas certainly didn't look like his typical ideal Alaskan.

"Yeah, my family has lived there since before we were a part of the States. Its cold, its dark and its scary most of the time." Cas explained.

"I can only imagine." Dean agreed.

"But I knew it wasn't for me. I wanted the warm, the water and the freedom that life in the lower 48 could offer."

"How in the hell did you learn to surf in Alaska?" Dean asked him.

"Very carefully." Cas chuckled.

"Seriously?"

"Its not winter all the time, but my window of opportunity was very small. I've gotten much better since I came here." he admitted.

"I bet." Dean laughed. He thought back to his simple life in Kansas and he had to admit Cas was right, he wasn't happy there. He went to work, he went for beers with his co-workers, he took home the occasional girl, the occasional guy, but he wasn't happy. He missed Sam.

"So why not come out here? You know there's plenty of work and I'm pretty sure Sam would let you have a room at his place." Cas asked him again.

"Gee Cas, if I didn't know any better I would think you want me here more often." Dean teased him. Cas smiled and looked away. When he looked back he shocked Dean by leaning in to him and kissing him.

The kiss was a surprise therefore Dean didn't get a chance to enjoy it. Before he could register more then warm lips, salty sea smell and holy fucking shit Cas is kissing me, the kiss ended.

"Wha…" Dean sputtered and Cas looked embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, I just thought…" Cas began but Dean wrapped his hand around his neck and pulled him back in for more.

This kiss, now this kiss was a kiss. Their lips were moving against each other eagerly, Cas's hand going to Dean's thigh to steady himself. Dean's hand stayed around Cas's neck and began to play with the hairs there. They forgot where they were, the people around them, and even their food as they moved against each other. Tongues were brought into it quickly and Dean moaned at the way Cas tasted of veggies and some kind of underlaying Cas taste. He wanted more and he wanted more…now.

"Perhaps not in front of the children?" Cas grinned as he pulled back from the kiss and met Dean's lust blown green eyes. He stood up and offered his hand to Dean. He took it offered hand and let Cas lead him to his car.

"Are you sure this is all you took?" Sam asked as he carried the last duffle bag up to Dean's new room. There were surprisingly few things in the trunk of the Impala for him to carry.

"I don't need much Sammy." Dean shrugged. It hadn't been hard to leave it all behind he remembered. The hardest part about leaving Kansas had been saying good bye to the gravestones that marked his parents graves. And leaving Bobby of course.

"Well, welcome to Cali big brother." Sam said dropping the bag and patting his brother on the back.

"Welcome home Dean." Cas said coming in the door with a little potted cactus. He was dressed up today Dean decided, a pair of worn blue jeans and a even more worn AC/DC shirt, stolen from Dean on his previous sleep over, instead of just his board shorts.

"Hey you." Dean said going over to kiss his boyfriend and accept the strange welcome gift. He placed in on the window sill of the large window. Sam had insisted he take the large attic room where most of the light came from in the morning. That way he'd be easier to get up at 4 am for surfing.

"Well I'll leave you to it." Sam said with a stupid smirk on his face. He went on down the stairs leaving Dean and Cas to unpack and get reacquainted.

"I missed you." Cas said pulling Dean against him and kissing all over his neck and face.

"I missed you too." Dean sighed happily wrapping him in his arms. Now he felt better, now he felt complete, now he felt at home, now he was happy.


	25. Chapter 25

**Broken Smile by USS**

 _I got this sensation in my chest_

 _It pulls like vines 'cross my solar plexus_

 _A self-esteem lower than the state of Texas_

 _My courage's shooting blanks at a bulletproof vest_

 _I'm restless_

 _A wave is coming_

 _It's coming_

 _It's, it's coming on_

 _A wave is coming_

 _I turn and run_

 _Broken smile_

 _All I hate I've become_

 _One more hit, then I quit_

 _Yesterday I baked an eighth_

 _You devil clouds, you blow away_

 _Yesterday I prayed and prayed_

 _You devil clouds would blow away_

 _Same old shit, more or less_

 _Getting higher than the peak of Mount Everest_

 _Spinnin' like the pieces in a game of Tetris_

 _And burning every bridge that can possibly exist_

 _I'm reckless_

 _A wave is coming_

 _It's coming_

 _It's, it's coming on_

 _A wave is coming_

 _I turn and run_

 _Broken smile_

 _All I hate I've become_

 _One more hit, then I quit_

 _Yesterday I baked an eighth_

 _You devil clouds, you blow away_

 _Yesterday I prayed and prayed_

 _You devil clouds would blow away_

 _I got these old issues unaddressed_

 _Deliver me from evil via Federal Express_

 _Rock bottom's up_

 _Happy hour, what a mess_

 _I'm crashing like a tidal wave in cardiac arrest_

 _Broken smile_

 _All I hate I've become_

 _One more hit, then I quit_

 _Yesterday I baked an eighth_

 _You devil clouds, you blow away_

 _Yesterday I prayed and prayed_

 _You devil clouds would blow away_

 _A little End!Verse Destiel_

Dean tried to hate the former angel but he didn't have the capacity for it any more. In truth if he still loved anything it was Castiel, but it wasn't the pure love they had shared in years past, now it was a dark and twisted thing. Neither of them really cared for the other any more but neither could live without the toxic symbiosis they had established.

"Another?" Cas's wasted gravel voice asked as he picked up one of his many boxes to rummage for some more weed. It was amazing how when nothing else would grow in this cursed wasteland Cas had managed to cultivate a pretty decent marijuana crop.

"Sure." Dean shrugged even though he was already riding high on his last blunt. Today had been hard, they had lost three more people in the fight against the Croats, so he forgave himself for needing the extra help tonight.

"So did you burn em?" Cas asked lighting up and passing over the joint. Dean sucked the smoke into his lungs and held it there for a while.

"What's the point?" he asked exhaling and watching Cas's blue eyes through the plume of smoke.

"I've been saying that for a while now." Cas grinned back. His longish hair fell into his face and he swung it back.

"You look like Sam when you do that." Dean grinned and tucked the lock behind Cas's ear.

"Good ol' Sammy." Cas sighed. It was only when Dean got really high that he was willing to talk about his brother. Even with the devil inside of him Dean felt something for the only blood he had left on the planet.

"You know he used to toke in college? He always said it was only once but I knew." Dean smiled sadly down at his own lap.

"I can't picture Sam doing something like that." Cas said honestly. Of course a few years ago he'd never have been able to picture Dean or him doing it either.

"He was trying to fit in. Always was." Dean told his old friend.

"It wasn't his fault he couldn't." Cas said taking Dean's hand in his. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the lose of more people today, but either way Dean didn't pull away. But Cas knew that, he had known it as soon as Dean stomped in to his cabin and drove out all the other girls there. Tonight he was looking for something old and comforting.

"Maybe I always knew something was off about him. He wasn't a thing like me or Dad. I thought maybe he got it from Mom but…"

"Sam never had a choice about any of this Dean. Heaven fucked him up as soon as he was conceived." Cas squeezed his hand.

"Fucking heaven." Dean growled out and the squeeze he gave Cas back wasn't as friendly or comforting as Cas's had been.

"I'm sorry Dean." Cas said. He had said it so much the words were always on the former angels lips.

"Fuck you Cas." Dean grunted pulling his hand back. He finished his joint and then sat staring at his hands for a while.

"If you want." Cas shrugged. Dean's eyes flicked up at him, he green a darker shade now.

"Why Cas?" Dean asked after a few more minutes of silence between them.

"Why what?"

"Why do you still offer me that? Why offer me anything? I broke you Cas, I tore you from Heaven and I never once said I was sorry. This whole damn mess is my fault and still you offer everything. Why?" Dean demanded moving closer to the man. Cas watched him close the space between them but wasn't able to meet his gaze.

"You know why Dean." he breathed out quietly as Dean grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back into the wall.

"Tell me Cas." Dean growled against his lips. His breath was warm and smelled of weed and Cas closed his eyes to enjoy it.

"I love you Dean." Cas said and like the apology it was always on the tip of his tongue, ready to be offered any chance he got.

Did it fix anything? No. Did it ever soothe the tidal wave of guilt that Dean carried constantly? No. But it did make him feel something and at the end of the world feeling something, anything, was a miracle in itself.

So Dean closed the distance between them and took what little comfort he could in the body of the former angel.


	26. Chapter 26

**Nepal by USS**

 _On this slip trip_

 _Trying to get a grip from my brain I rip_

 _Government microchip_

 _Here I am I don't understand why_

 _Fusion of allusion equals infinite confusion but_

 _We're all the same blood_

 _Built in the same frame_

 _Stuck in the same mud_

 _Cheating at the same game_

 _We're all the same nerve_

 _Feeling the same pain_

 _Stuck in the same curve_

 _Rushing through the same vein_

 _When I was higher than Nepal_

 _I must've been peaking_

 _When you were banging on the wall_

 _I must've been sleeping_

 _Old pain go now_

 _Out of my head_

 _This place is lower than a crawl_

 _I must've been seeking_

 _On this bleak streak_

 _Calibrate and tweak_

 _Shifty shadows sleek_

 _Formaldehyde and seek_

 _Neuropeptide_

 _Systems override_

 _Faith is multiplied, quantified_

 _Trust angel mechanic guide_

 _We're all the same blood_

 _Built in the same frame_

 _Stuck in the same mud_

 _Cheating at the same game_

 _We're all the same nerve_

 _Feeling the same pain_

 _Stuck in the same curve_

 _Rushing through the same vein_

 _When I was higher than Nepal_

 _I must've been peaking_

 _When you were banging on the wall_

 _I must've been sleeping_

 _Old pain go now_

 _Out of my head_

 _This place is lower than a crawl_

 _I must've been seeking_

 _I must've been seeking_

 _Oh pain go now_

 _Oh pain go now_

 _If love's the apex of all religions then_

 _Why do we kill each other like hungry pigeons brother?_

 _This socialistic battle_

 _White collar bred cattle_

 _Greed riding horse back_

 _Morals riding side saddle_

 _When I was higher than Nepal_

 _I must've been peaking_

 _When you were banging on the wall_

 _I must've been sleeping_

 _Old pain go now_

 _Out of my head_

 _This place is lower than a crawl_

 _I must've been seeking_

 _I must've been seeking_

 _I must've been seeking_

 _needneedneedneedneedneed_ that was all that was ringing through Dean's head as he struggled to breath. He slammed his door and slumped to the floor grabbing handfuls of his dark blonde hair and keening low in his chest. Everyone always needed him for something!

Dad needed him to look after Sammy, Sam needed him to be strong in the face of all the shit the world threw at them, Mom had needed him to let her go…all this NEED and no one actually WANTED him!

"Why can't any one want me?" Dean whined out as tears drew hot angry lines down his cheeks. His entire body was wire tight and his bones ached from it. All this life he had been what others needed…whatever that may be. And now he was going to hyperventilate alone in his room smothered by that need.

"Dean?" he heard a deep angelic voice ask and even that was too much, just someone else to need him.

"Cas." Dean groaned out as his eyes squeezed shut harder. "I can't."

"You can't what Dean?" Cas asked and Dean felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He tensed even more and tried to draw away.

"Dean, please, talk to me." Cas almost begged. He was attempting to pull Dean's hands out of his hair but Dean fought him.

"Everyone needs something from me." He gasped out in a shuddering breath. Cas looked down into those green eyes and saw the panic there.

"Not everyone." Cas reminded him gently. He took both his hands in his and just held them.

"Even you Cas, you need me to be the Righteous Man, be strong and good in the face of Hell." Dean argued.

"I don't need you to be anything Dean, I just need you." Cas told him honestly.

"More need." Dean said his chest heaving and the tears not slacking at all. He angrily wiped at them. Men didn't cry.

"Dean, Dean, listen to me." Cas said dropping his hands to reach out and cup his cheeks in his own palms. Dean finally looked at him and he saw so much in those deep blue eyes of the angel. All things Dean wanted but didn't know how to ask for.

"I know you don't want to hear this Dean but I love you for you, not for who you're supposed to be. Not who the world needs you to be. I love the man in under all the masks you wear for everyone else. I see you." Cas said. Dean felt his breath escape his lungs in a slow steady stream as he really listened to Cas.

"You…" he asked looking from one eye to the other in search of the catch.

"I love you Dean Winchester. From the first minute I touched your soul in Hell I have loved you." Castiel told him honestly.

"Cas…I…" Dean struggled with his words but he did notice he was no longer gripped by the tight panic that had tried to overtake him moments before.

"What do you need Dean, what do you want?" Cas asked him and that brought the panic back. What did Dean want?

"Cas, I need…" he lowered his head in shame. He wasn't allowed to want things, he wasn't allowed to need anything but what he was allotted in life. He was a tool to be used. First by his Dad, then by Heaven. He had been built to be a perfect soldier, doing what he was told with deadly precision. He couldn't want because he had everything he needed…didn't he?

"Tell me Dean." Cas demanded pulling his chin back up again. Dean let him, let Cas ease the tension in his shoulders and let his mind clear.

"You Cas." he breathed out in a whisper. God help him but he needed the angel in front of him. He needed him so bad he didn't know how'd he survived this long without him.

"Are you sure Dean? I can give you want you need but you have to be sure. I won't let a moment of weakness on my part ruin what we have." Cas said.

"Not your weakness, mine." Dean said lowering his head again. He knew he wasn't strong, he knew he wasn't good. He didn't deserve the happiness he felt Cas could give him. He turned his body away from the angel and started to stand up.

"Dean." Cas said reaching out to pull him back and into his lap. Dean sat there surprised at being manhandled.

"I want you Dean, all of you. If you want that too all you need to do is tell me." Castiel said turning his chin so that Dean had no where to look but at him.

"I'll disappoint you." Dean whispered in shame.

"Never." Cas argued.

"I'm not good enough."

"For me you are perfect." Cas replied. When Dean didn't argue Cas let his hand wander to the back of his neck and pull him closer. But he didn't close that final inch between them, he wanted Dean to do it himself. He would let the hunter be the one to make the final decision.

Dean hesitated. This was one step that he couldn't come back from. If he took what he wanted from Castiel then there would be no more brotherhood with him, no awkward weird friendship, no easy camaraderie. It would change everything. But Dean needed this, for once Dean needed something and he would take it.

With no more hesitation he closed the distance between them and placed his lips against Castiel's. The kiss was soft at first, both of them overcome with just the momentousness of the movement. This was it, this was them taking the next step together. But Dean settle for just overcoming his fear. Now that he felt Cas's lips on his he needed to know more. He needed to know how he tasted, how he sounded, how he would give under Dean's touch. Or would be push back, would he the one to make Dean submit? Deep shame came rushing in after the desire that thought brought.

Dean gripped the back of Cas's neck and tilted his head so that he could kiss him further, harder, deeper. He licked at his lips until Cas opened and let him inside. He groaned at the taste of angel on his tongue and Cas let his hands wander over every inch of Dean he had been aching to touch.

Cas knew this body, he had rebuilt him inch by precious inch. He had recreated every freckle, wrinkle and scar. He had lovingly held him as he worked, letting Dean's soul slide inside of his grace where he was soothed from the horrors of Hell. Castiel had fallen in love with the Righteous Man in those moments and now that love came crashing back in overwhelming waves. He gripped Dean's shirt and held him impossibly close.

"Cas…need you." Dean breathed out as he pulled back enough to gasp in a deep intake of air. His head was swimming with pleasure and his lips were wet and pink.

"You have me Dean, for as long as you need me."

Later when the lust was slacked and they just lay there holding each other in the dark and stuffy room Dean let voice to his inner most fears and desires. Castiel listened intently and even gave him some of his own thoughts. They laughed gently with each other, kissed tenderly and Dean sighed happily. Soon the world would come crashing back in on him, people needing him to be the saviour he hated but right now in the arms of Castiel Dean was content and satisfied. He let Cas stroke his hair gently while telling him of his very long and very lonely angelic life. Some where between his words and his touch Dean fell asleep and when Cas looked down at him he smiled. This was good, this was where he had always meant to be. The monsters, the angels, the demons…all of it could wait because right now he was exactly where Dean needed him to be.


	27. Chapter 27

**Near To The Wild Heart Of Life by The Japandroids**

 _The future's under fire_

 _The past is gaining ground_

 _A continuous cold war between_

 _My home and my hometown_

 _I was destined to die dreaming_

 _When one day, my best friend_

 _With passion and pure provocation_

 _Summoned me and said_

 _"You can't condemn your love_

 _To linger here and die_

 _Can't leave your dreams to chance_

 _Or to a spirit in the sky_

 _May your heart always be ardent_

 _Your conscience always clear_

 _And succumb to the city and surrender, baby_

 _I'll be waiting here"_

 _And it got me all fired up_

 _To go far away_

 _And make some ears ring from the sound of my singing, baby_

 _(Oh oh, oh oh)_

 _And it got me all fired up_

 _To go far away_

 _And make some ears ring from the sound of my singing, baby_

 _(Oh oh, oh oh)_

 _So I left my home_

 _And all I had_

 _I used to be good but now I'm bad_

"Christ Sammy…" Dean grumbled as they pushed their way into the dark and noisy bar. It was a typical bar but there was punk music blaring from the speakers in the ceiling. Sam started to bob his head with the tunes and Dean glared at him.

They were in town on a case, one that Dad had deemed easy enough for Dean to take his little brother along. Sam was only 16 and Dean hated the idea of having to babysit. His brother was a pretty good kid but the longer he moved his head to this crap music the more Dean wished he could just shove him in the trunk. Punk music, Christ he just didn't get it.

"Its not punk Dean, its rock. You know rock, like Zepplin and AC/DC?" Sam argued when Dean grumbled about the music.

"You shut your mouth Sammy, this is not rock." Dean growled.

"Come out of the 80's Dean, welcome to the modern age of music." Sam grinned. It was hard to forget Sam was still a kid, even if he was taller then most trees.

Dean decided it was easier to ignore the argument Sam was laying out for him and ordered some pub grub for them both. Might as college barflies and the campus bar seemed the logical place to start.

"Alright folks, lets bring on the reason you're all here tonight. Please welcome back Heaven's Rebellion!" came a woman's voice across the air as she used the mic on a stage to announce some live entertainment. Dean rolled his eyes but Sam clapped eagerly as a group of four guys took to the stage in typical punk attire. There was lots of ripped jeans, piercings and died hair cut in horrible styles. There were tattoos and chains and a general bad attitude in the band but there was one, who just so happened to take the mic in his hand, who caught Dean's eye. He was about Dean's height but because of the muiltiple piercings in his face and dark eye liner Dean couldn't tell his age. His black hair was shaved on the sides and styled into a blue mohawk.

"Hey folks, I'm Cas, that's Balthazar on the bass, Alfie on guitar and backup vocals and Gabe on the drums. Ready for some music?" came a deep gravel voice that made Dean shiver in his leather. His eyes widened at the reaction. What the hell? Dean didn't do guys.

Immediately a guitar heavy rift followed by fast drumming flowed through the air quickly followed by Cas's smoky voice. Dean found himself ignoring the food in front of him even though two minutes ago he had been starving. He was enthralled by Cas and his voice. He was passionate in his singing, even when he was looking down at his fingers on the guitar strings. He hunched over the instrument but there was no hesitation in his words or tone.

"Dean?" Sam called through the loud music. Dean blinked but didn't look away from the stage.

"They're pretty good right?" Sam asked and Dean gave him a quick nod. He couldn't take his eyes off of Cas. His slim body was covered in clothing but Dean could see tattoos peeking up his collar and along his arms. Strong toned arms that had no trouble what so ever slinging around that guitar.

"Yeah, good." Dean replied absently to his brother. He didn't look away so he didn't see Sammy let a big grin spread across his face while he looked between Dean and the band. Maybe Dean wasn't such a perfect little Winchester after all.

The band played a half dozen songs, some Dean had heard before and some he hadn't. He found himself tapping his foot along with the music but didn't look away. Sam ate the food and grinned the whole time. And when the band left the stage for a break the younger brother stood and wandered away before Dean could catch him.

"Dammit Sammy." Dean growled finally coming back to his senses to see Sam walking towards the stage. He jumped up and followed just to make sure the bean pole didn't get himself jumped by a punk.

To Dean's surprise he saw Sam talking to some of the band members. He grabbed his brother's elbow to let him know he was there.

"Hey Dean, I was just telling these guys how awesome they are." Sam said introducing him to the band members. They were all there except Cas.

"I hear you're not a big punk fan Dean-o?" the one called Gabe said around a lollipop hanging from his mouth. He was the strangest little guy, all bright orange hair and dark eye make up. Dean wasn't sure how to handle him.

"Not really, but you guys are something else." Dean said honestly.

"Its Cas, he brings all the love." Gabe shrugged giving Sam a wink. What the hell?

"Let me guess, you like country music and good ol' rock n roll?" Balthazar, much taller then Gabe, asked Dean in a British drawl. He was the least punky of the entire group. His blonde hair was cut short and styled just right and he wore all black clothing with no rips or chains. There were tattoos showing through the deep v of his shirt though.

"Dean's a fan of the 80's rock." Sam said and smiled at his brother.

"I listen to other stuff too Sam." Dean scolded back.

"When?" Sam countered and Gabe chuckled.

"Well its nice to know we can convert someone to a more refined taste." Balthazar said raising his beer to salute Dean.

"We're on in five guys." Dean heard that deep gravel come from over his shoulder and had to fight a shiver. He looked around to see Cas sauntering over to them with two beers in his hand. He handed one off to Alfie, tall and silent Alfie, and looked at Dean and Sam curiously.

"Hey Cas, meet two new fans, Dean and Sam." Gabe introduced them and Sam leaned over to shake Cas's hand. Dean would have offered too but he couldn't seem to bring himself to look away from the brilliant blue of Cas's eyes.

"That's always nice to hear, we don't have much of a fan base yet." Cas smiled back with a little quirk of his eyebrow at Dean. Dean who still hadn't said a word and was only now able to look away from Cas's eyes to take in his lip piercings and tattoo on his neck. It was some weird symbol that tugged at Dean's memory.

"Hey man is that Enochian?" Sam asked of course being the gigantic nerd he was.

"Very nice, its not often people know that." Cas said pleased at Sam. Dean cursed his brother in his head.

"What does it say?" Sam went on.

"Its an Enochian protection glyph. Keeps watchful eyes at bay." Cas explained. He was talking to Sam but he let his gaze wander over to Dean every once in a while.

"Ok gang, time to get back to work." Gabe sighed and grabbed his sticks twirling them in his fingers.

"Good luck." Sam said to him with a grin and Gabe winked at him again.

"Nice to meet you Dean." Cas said sliding closer to the elder brother. Dean felt his face flush and Cas grinned even wider.

"If you ever get your voice back how about you buy me a beer before the night is over?" Cas asked placing his empty beer in Dean's hand. Dean looked up surprised at the request but nodded quickly.

"You're amazing." Dean blurt out and then ducked his head in shame. Jesus, could he be any more of a creeper?

But Cas just laughed deeply. He reached out and surprised Dean by pulling him in by his jacket for a quick kiss. Dean froze as the soft lips met his and before he had a chance to react Cas was walking away with a grin on his face. He jumped up on the stage and grabbed his guitar.

"Did you miss me folks?" he asked into the mic and dropped a wink and a smirk in Dean's direction. The crowed clapped and whistled before the music started again.

"Come on lover boy, lets sit down before you pass out." Sam said throwing his arm over his brother's shoulder. He couldn't help but laugh at the little grin Dean was trying to hide. Dean Winchester was blushing like a school girl and Sam would enjoy every damn minute of this. He knew as soon as Dean came back to his senses he'd be shoving all this gay love straight down to the bottom of his boots and Sam knew he had to be careful about how he handled this or Dean would shut down. Without John there to keep him on the straight and narrow Sam hoped Dean could at least explore what he saw between him and Cas. It was his job to make Dean realize there was life outside of hunting and John Winchester wasn't the end all be all Dean had idolized him to be. Despite the fact that he was only 16 Sam took that job very seriously.


	28. Chapter 28

**My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson**

 _'Cause we belong together now, yeah_

 _Forever united here somehow, yeah_

 _You got a piece of me_

 _And honestly_

 _My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you_

 _Maybe I was stupid_

 _For telling you goodbye_

 _Maybe I was wrong_

 _For tryin' to pick a fight_

 _I know that I've got issues_

 _But you're pretty messed up too_

 _Either way I found out I'm nothing without you_

 _Being with you is so dysfunctional_

 _I really shouldn't miss you_

 _But I can't let you go_

 _Oh yeah_

How in the hell can one little woman have so much damn energy after spending the majority of the night before fighting tooth and nail with him? These thoughts ran through Sam's mind as he watched his girlfriend dance around her kitchen in her underwear and one of his button ups which singing loudly to Kelly Clarkson. She had her pretty red hair in two pigtail braids and she was using the spatula for a microphone. Sam couldn't help but smile as he leaned against the door frame watching her. Was this really the same girl who had screamed at him at 3 AM while tears ran down her face?

"I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too…" she sang swinging around and pointing to Sam with a wink. He couldn't help the smile that came across his face regardless of trying to stay upset with her. She was just so full of energy, and so…passionate.

"How are you even awake yet?" Sam asked walking in to the sunlit room to see the pancakes she was making being flipped when perfectly golden.

"Can't sleep the day away Sammy." She grinned and went back to singing.

"Abby, come on. We didn't finish our argument last night." Sam said and she glared over at him.

"Of course we didn't, because its not an argument we _can_ finish." She said reaching over to turn down the radio. She plated two large pancakes and handed them over to Sam before shooing him away from the stove.

"Abby…" Sam sighed sitting at the table and rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted and Dean would be here any minute to get him.

"Don't Abby me Sam Winchester!" she said turning around and pointing at him with the spatula.

"You are the one that won't tell your brother about this. You are the one who insists he can hunt _and_ take care of me and a baby. You are the one who…forgot to take the pill and got us in to this situation." She finished throwing her hands in the air and turning back to the stove.

"Yes Abby, I'm the one who forgot to take her birth control and now have a love child with a hopeless hunter in her belly." Sam said unable to stop the smile from returning.

"Shut up Sam." Abby growled. She angrily plated her own breakfast and shut off the stove.

Sam got up from the table and went to where she was just staring at the stove. He reached around her to take her plate from her hands, placed it on the counter, and then wrapped those long arms around her. He placed one hand on her lower stomach and kissed her hair.

"I promise I will tell Dean." He sighed and placed his cheek on the top of her head. "I promise that I will be here for you. And I promise you and this baby that nothing on this earth could stop me from loving you both."

"We don't need promises Sam, we need you." Abby said quietly. She turned so that should could wrap her arms around Sam's neck and let her fingers trail in his long hair.

"We have time Abby, we have time to figure this out. I can't just leave my brother out there alone. You don't know Dean like I do, he can't be alone." Sam said gently.

"He won't be alone Sam, he has Castiel. Even if he doesn't want to admit it." Abby said.

"Maybe if I could get him to admit he loves Cas then maybe I could leave. But Abby, do you really think even I'm capable of that? He's so damn pig headed when it comes to Cas." Sam said shaking his head.

"I know my love." Abby sighed and laid her head against Sam's chest. She listened to his steady heartbeat and it soothed her ragged nerves.

"I love you Abby, and this little person we created." Sam said moving his hand to her belly again. She placed her much smaller hand over his.

"We'll figure this out." He said kissing her.

Little did either of them know that Dean stood in the hallway listening to every word they said.


	29. Chapter 29

**Wasn't That Drunk by Josh Abbott Band**

 _I was tipsy when you kissed me  
But that ain't why I kissed you back  
I'll be honest, I've wanted to do that, to do that, do that  
Oh so long and oh so bad  
Then last night, it happened so fast  
I'd do it over, I wouldn't think twice  
'Cause lying here sober, it still feels right_

 _I know we were laughing saying whatever happens  
We can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up  
If you're thinking it's because we were drinking  
Well, that don't mean that it don't mean much  
'Cause it did and it does  
The truth of it is I wasn't that drunk_

'Ten years, Jesus how did that happen?' Dean thought to himself as he looked around the horribly decorated gymnasium. There were balloons and streamers and all the typical cliché of school dances in the years of his teenage years. Dean glanced from the decorations to the little groups of people who were mingling and trying to remember why they actually liked each other in high school.

Dean shrugged uncomfortably in his jacket, an honest to god jacket that Sammy had left at home during his big move and that actually fit Dean, and made his way straight to the open bar. One of the only reasons he had agreed to come to this thing of course. He hadn't particularly liked high school. Even at that young age Dean had preferred to be under the hood of a car helping Uncle Bobby. But when the invitation had shown up in his mail he had the momentarily insane flash of blue eyes and black hair and had said hell yeah! Maybe it was the six pack he had downed with Benny after work that assisted in that fantastic decision?

'Why in the hell would he even be here? He ran from this place as soon as he could.' Dean thought while getting his beer and turning to see if he recognized a single person from his graduating class. There was the usual blonde cheerleaders who had married their jock boyfriends, or some version of them, and now had 2.3 kids and the mom haircut. There was also the nerds who were now rolling in Silicone Valley money and had only come to rub it in those cheerleaders noses. A few former goths and emos wandered around giving the decorations slight sneers which meant they hadn't actually grown out of their phases as much as they liked to pretend. And of course there was the

'good' students who had actually come to see the teachers that had inspired them along the way. Dean thought they were the only ones who might actually enjoy this thing. A glance at his watch told him he had only been here ten minutes and already he was planning an escape.

"Dean? Dean Winchester?" Dean heard a voice that both made him smile and reflexively brace himself for a prank. He glanced to his side and saw that Gabriel hadn't

really changed all that much. He was still short, still smirking and still had that twinkle in his eye saying he could equal parts torture you or be your best friend.

"Gabriel! How the hell are you man?" Dean asked patting him on the shoulder. He was actually surprised to find that he was happy to see the little trickster. They had had a strong friendship in high school after Dean had helped him prank the school's lacrosse team after they had harassed one of the smaller kids in school. Dean had been all for beating the crap out of the team captain but Gabriel had a much better plan. They had served three months worth of detention but it was worth it to see the punk cringe every time Gabe or Dean walked past him in the hall. And apologize to every kid he had ever bullied as well.

"I never would have expected to see you here tonight." Gabe said honestly as they both turned back to watch the crowd.

"Sammy made me come." Dean sighed.

"How is the ol' Samsquatch? Still growing?" Gabriel asked and Dean smirked at the nonchalance in that question. Dean had been the only one to know that Gabe was gay in high school and had been sworn to secrecy when he found himself enamored with Dean's younger brother.

"Nah, he stopped thank god. Became a lawyer and lives on the coast. Single." Dean said chuckling as Gabriel blushed.

"Good for him." He said as easily as he could.

"What about you Gabe? Any special someone?" Dean asked. He was dying to get to his real questions but didn't want to appear over eager.

"Me? Nah, no lucky guy yet. Thought there was in college for a while but he turned out to be Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right." Gabriel said lightly. He lifted his hand and waved as someone recognized him..

"Thank god we're not too old yet hey buddy?" Dean drained the rest of his beer. He ordered another before Gabriel spoke again.

"He's here you know." Gabe said not looking at Dean. Instantly Dean froze with his beer part way to his lips.

"Where?" he asked before flinching. So much for not sounding too eager.

"I knew it!" Gabe said triumphantly as he looked over at Dean grinning huge.

"Gabe." Dean warned.

"I told him you'd be here. He wasn't sure if he wanted to risk it but I convinced him to join me. Right now he's talking to his old English teacher, Mrs. Bale." Gabriel said.

"How is he?"

"He's grown." Gabe shrugged.

"Is he…"

"He settled down with a guy about five years ago. But it recently fizzled and he moved in with me. He works at the University now, got his own place after a while."

"That's good, good for him." Dean couldn't think of anything else to say.

"He never got over it Dean-o." Gabe said finally turning and looking at Dean. Dean lowered his head in shame, ten years of it.

"Me either." He admitted to his former best friend. Gabe looked at him seriously, a rare occurrence. Dean hoped he found what he was looking for in his face.

"I won't let you hurt him again Dean. He's my brother." He said.

"I was young Gabe, young and stupid. So fucking stupid." Dean hoped Gabe could hear the sincerity in his voice. He just might have because after a minute he nodded.

"I just don't understand it Dean. Three years you two made heart eyes after each other and then when you _finally_ hook up you have your big gay freak out and blame it on the liquor. Do you know he still won't touch the stuff? And won't date anyone that drinks either." Gabe raised his eyebrow at Dean's beer. Dean felt his hand drop.

"Damn." He said as his breath rushed out of his lungs.

"Yup." Gabe agreed. He put down his empty glass and rubs his hands together.

"Well that's enough serious time for me. Time to go find some jocks who still think they're the shit." He said and wandered off into the crowd. Dean watched him go. He raised his beer back to his lips but instead of drinking it like he planned he lowered it back down again. He let his fingers slip from around the bottle and something in him just knew he'd never touch another one.

"Hello Dean." Came from over Dean's shoulder and instantly Dean both tensed and relaxed as that gravel tone washed over him. God he had missed those words on those lips.

"Cas." Dean said turning around to look at the man he had become. He still had messy black hair, amazingly blue eyes and those soft pink lips but Cas had grown into his body. He was no longer skinny and gangly but looked toned and lean. And with a few extra inches in height so that he was almost as tall as Dean. A dark blue dress shirt was rolled up to his elbows and he wore a vest over it. It was adorably both dorky and hot.

"How are you Dean?" Cas said with a small nervous smile. Dean felt his palms beginning to sweat.

"I'm good Cas, you? Gabe said you're teaching at the Uni." Dean said surprising himself with actual honest to God grown up conversation.

"Yes, American Literature. Yourself?" Cas asked. When a group of people came up behind him trying to get to the bar Dean followed him away from the bar and into a quieter corner.

"I took over Uncle Bobby's garage after he had the accident. He still does a lot of the paperwork, the wheelchair doesn't interfere with that of course, but I do all the actual running of the shop." Dean said. For a kid who had barely scraped by enough to graduate high school he was pretty proud of himself for having that much.

"That's great Dean. I'm heard about Bobby's accident, it's a shame." Cas said politely.

"It took him a while but he's ok with it now. The hardest part was convincing him that he couldn't live in that house with its thousand stairs. Finally got him to downgrade to a single level and turned the house in to the office." Dean said kind of proud of that.

"He's lucky to have you to take care of him." Cas said and Dean blushed.

"Hell it was a little selfish to be honest, I just wanted to be able to turn the upstairs into an apartment for myself." Dean said with his lopsided grin and Cas chuckled.

"Whatever works for everyone." He shrugged. They fell in to some drawn out silence and it was threatening to smother Dean.

"Look Cas I'm sorr…"

"You want to get out of he…"

Both spoke at the same time and then stopped. Dean couldn't believe what he had just heard. Did Cas just ask him…

"My place isn't too far from here, would you like to see it?" Cas asked and there was something in his voice that Dean couldn't understand.

"Uh, yeah sure." He said completely taken by surprise. Cas nodded once and then turned to walk out. Dean followed in confusion.

Cas led him to a small little house on the further side of town near the University and as Dean pulled his Impala in behind Cas's eco-friendly green planet conscious nerd-mobile he started to panic. Why had Cas invited him back here? Was it for what Dean hoped it was? Or was he just going to show off how well he had done without Dean? How good his life was despite Dean Winchester fucking him over so completely? Dean wouldn't blame him if it was the later.

"Would you like something to drink? I only have water and soda." Cas asked as they hung up their jackets and Dean looked around the small cozy little living room.

"Water is fine thanks." Dean said as he looked at the little framed pictures on the bookcase. Dean recognized Cas's family, he had grown up with them after all. Gabriel was always the black sheep but his family had loved him none the less. Castiel of course was the baby and therefore loved just a little bit more.

"Here you are. Sorry I don't have any beer or anything." Cas apologized coming in to the room and offering Dean a cold bottle of water.

"No problem man, I should probably drink more of this anyways." Dean gave him a weak smile. He pointed to the family picture in front of him.

"How is everyone?"

"Mom and Dad are great, enjoying life without kids in the house. They started their own little hobby shop a couple of years ago. Michael is some corporate big wig out in New York and Anna just had baby number three. Her and her wife run a non profit for LGBT youth." Cas explained. "And you know Gabriel of course, nothing ever changes with Gabe." Cas smiled.

"I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not." Dean chuckled and Cas agreed. He had drifted closer to Dean as he spoke and Dean looked over to see that he was almost close enough to touch.

"Cas…" Dean said before he could talk himself out of it. He needed to do this, he needed to make Cas understand just how sorry he was.

"Don't Dean." Cas said not looking at him. His brow was furrowed and there was a little crease that Dean hadn't seen before.

"I know you don't want to hear it Cas, probably would rather forget me altogether but…"

"I never forgot you. As much as I wanted to." Cas finally looked at him and Dean swallowed at the raw emotion he saw there.

"I just wanted you to know…" Dean began lowering his head and letting the water bottle drop to the table.

"We were kids Dean." Cas said sounding drawn away. Dean squared his shoulders and looked up him.

"That was no excuse Cas, no excuse for how I treated you. You were always there for me, more than anyone else in my life and I just threw you away. I freaked out and I'm more sorry than you can ever know. I never forgave myself." Dean said. Cas looked down and away from him but Dean reached out to grab his chin and lift his face.

"I loved you Cas, I always loved you. But of course being the emotionally stunted punk I was I didn't know how to handle that. So I did something unforgivable and I'm sorry." Dean said finally, finally!, getting out the words that had been on his tongue for ten years. Cas looked back and forth between his eyes as if looking for any sign of insincerity.

"I can only beg forgiveness and hope that by some miracle you can be my friend again. I've missed you Cas, so fucking much." Dean sighed. He hadn't dropped his hand and without thought stroked over the slight stubble that Cas had.

"I couldn't ever be your friend again Dean." Cas said and Dean's heart dropped. Of course he couldn't. Why in the hell was Dean stupid enough to think Cas would ever want to be friends with him after what he put him through?

"I need more." Cas said and Dean stopped all movement.

"What?" Dean asked but then Cas surged forward and was kissing him and Dean couldn't do anything but react. He closed his eyes, let his hand come up to Cas's waist and just kissed him back.

Ten years hadn't changed a damn thing about Cas's lips except now he was more sure of what he was doing. He kissed Dean with hunger and passion and so much more. Dean actually swayed on his feet and he felt Cas smile against his mouth.

"Shut up." Dean growled and kissed him harder. He felt Cas's fingers grip the lapels of the stupid suit jacket and pull him closer.

"Wait, wait…" Cas said suddenly pulling back and panting. He rested his head against Dean's forehead and refused to open his eyes.

"What?" Dean asked running his hand back over Cas's neck and into that soft black nest of crazy hair.

"Have you been drinking?" Cas asked hesitantly.

"One beer. I promise." Dean smiled shyly as Cas finally looked up.

"I…I won't survive another drunken mistake Dean." Cas said in a small voice that tore at Dean's heart.

"It wasn't a mistake Cas." Dean assured him and then leaned in to whisper against his ear "And I wasn't that drunk."

"Thank god." Cas turned his head and captured Dean's lips again. This time there was no pulling back, no stopping and no hesitation. Dean showed Cas just how much he had missed him over ten years and when they finally lay in bed exhausted but smiling he reached across the few centimeters of space between them and took Cas's hand in his.

"I want more too." Dean admitted.


End file.
